Rain
by Creatureofthedark
Summary: I sit in the rain.Broken.I cry out to him.He doesn't answer.He will never answer.Never again will I hear his voice.Because of me.It's all my fault.has a few bad words in this one not spelled out but you can tell what they are. comes after I Believe in you
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: i've been bad and didn't do this to my other stories lately. but the turtles aren't mine. unfortunately.**

**This is a darker story than my others. I'm gonna warn you now that this chapter has three or four bad words in it. Depending on how you determine the word hell is used. i say if it's a place it's not a cuss. but i know other people think it's bad all the time. anyway, this is the prologue to Rain.**

**Rain**

_I sit in the rain. Broken. I cry out to him. He doesn't answer. He will never answer. Never again will I hear his voice. Because of me. It's all my fault. As tears run down my face, I say over and over again how much I loved him. He will never hear. He will never see, how much I really loved him. Because he's gone. Because of me._

**Prologue**

Blood. Everywhere. Bodies. In pieces. They're all over the room. It's shocking to him. That someone usually so calm, so controlled, could create this mess. He can't believe it. He doesn't _want_ to believe it. It unsettles him. It scares him.

He sees Raph's bike in the middle of the room with obvious evidence of running into many of the men around it. He shivers as he thinks of the possibility that it was on purpose. He keeps walking.

He tries not to smell the overwhelming stench of blood. He tries to ignore the gore around him. But as he walks, he finds it impossible. Because it surrounds him. He steps in the puddles. There are so many, it's impossible to step somewhere dry. He feels kind of sick. She couldn't have done this. Could she? She's never done anything like this before.

He hears a scream and runs to a door. He opens it to see a sight that will stay with him forever. She's fighting what appears to be the last thirty men in this place left. But as he watches, he sees the men realize what they're up against. It is soon evident that they are trying to run away instead of fight. But they're not allowed to escape.

He watches as she fights them. Before he can do anything, a man coming up behind her slashes her across her back. She screams again, going into a raging fight so fast, he can't keep up with her. Before he can come out of his shock at her animalistic scream, all of the men but one are dead. And as he watches, she grabs the last man's throat and slams him back against the wall.

"Do you have anything to say before I kill you?" he hears her ask.

He watches the man scramble at the wall, trying to get away. Her hand doesn't move or waver from its spot. He almost feels sorry for the man. But he's frozen to where he stands by yet another force of shock. Her voice. It had come out in a growl that he's never heard from her. Dripping in venom and hate. And he can't help but think maybe she's gone crazy. Though he could hardly blame her.

***

"Please," the man chokes out. "I'm sorry. Please, just let me go."

Her eyes narrow at him. "Let you _go_? After what you _did_? I don't think so. Do you know why I saved you for last? Why I didn't go after you until the others were dead? Because it was your fault! Remember the fire?! How you tackled me to the ground?! Kept me from leaving?! Do you know what that _did?!_ Do you know what that _caused?!"_ She slams his head back into the wall gain.

Fighting to keep consciousness, the man wines, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry. Please. I didn't mean to."

"Don't give me that s###. Didn't mean to?! Didn't f****** _mean to_?! Yes you did! Except the wrong person was the victim! And _NOW_ you're f****** sorry because it wasn't ME! _THAT'S the only reason you're sorry_!"

"Please. Please don't kill me," he wines again. Quieter this time. He's having trouble breathing.

She stiffens. Her hand tightens slightly around his throat. She brings his face close to hers. "You'll wish you were dead by the time I'm done with you."

She throws him to the ground with great force, causing his head to hit the floor. His vision swims for a second, before he gains most of it back and tries to crawl away. He barely moves before she takes her katana and shoves it into his leg. He cries out in pain, falling to the ground to put his hands to the hole.

She stabs him again. In the arm. In the other leg. In the shoulder. She slashes him across his side. Down his arm. The whole while, a dark smile stays on her face.

***

He can't believe what he just heard. She had cussed. For the first time since he's known her, she cussed. In fact, it was three times in thirty seconds. It shocks him. She's never cussed before and even got onto Raph about his cussing so bad, he barely ever did it anymore. Yet here she is, mad enough to cuss.

And the look on her face. She has no shame in torturing the man. She's enjoying it. And as he walks into the room in a shocked daze, the man lets out a bone-chilling scream as she slashes him across the stomach deep enough to show various organs. He watches her kneel down in front of the man, the chilling smile still upon her face.

***

"I can't make you suffer enough for what you've done. For the pain I'm going through. You will never be able to feel my pain. No form of physical pain can equal up to the hole I have in my chest."

The man just gasps in pain below her. He is slowly dieing. If he were able to talk, he'd be able to say the thought on his mind right now. _Yeah, because that hole, taking the place of your heart, has no mercy towards me._

"You created this hole," she says as if reading his thoughts. "And I can't tell you how much I wish I could do the same for you. But I will tell you one thing. You better be glad I don't want to take even the slightest chance of you living through this. You better be glad for that. Otherwise, you'd be laying here for a long time, praying that your body would give up. Praying that I had just killed you already. It would take you a few hours to die from this. You're lucky I'm killing you now."

With that, she kills him.

***

Before he gets to them, she takes her sword and buries it in the man's throat. And as he gets closer, he finally takes the time to really look at her. She's covered in blood. Covered in it. It shows up very easily in her light colored hair. He lightly remembers the last time her hair looked like that. It pains him. Last time was so much more different. Even then, it wasn't as covered as it is now.

As he gets a few feet away, she spins to him. He shrinks back slightly. If he wasn't so determined to take her home, he would have let her be. The way she spins around to face him is incredibly threatening. He almost feels afraid at the way she looks at him.

Her eyes are a bright orange that is closely bordering red. A color he's never seen them before. They flash at him with the ferociousness of a wild animal. A killer. The way she stands in front of him shows him he better tread carefully. Arms held out to her sides, a katana in each of them. She's leaning towards him. A defensive stance. But what really scares him is the acute hatred in her eyes.

He doesn't move any closer. Just holds up his hands in front of him. His weapons stay where they are, though he is ready to grab them at the slightest move in his direction. When she doesn't move, he tries talking. "Hey. Lee? It's me hon. It's okay. It's just me."

The color of her eyes dims a little. They become a light brown. Her arms lower a little. But she doesn't move.

He doesn't move either. "That's it. It's okay Lee. C'mon. It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you." He takes a step towards her, and another when she doesn't react. He watches her eyes as he puts his hands to her shoulders and slides them down to take the katanas away from her. When his hands get to hers though, the weapons drop to the ground.

He allows a slight smile as her eyes turn back to one of her normal colors. But it's a strained smile. Her eyes are now only an empty gray again. Like they were yesterday. His smile fades completely as her face softens and tears fill her eyes. Her killer side melts away as his arms go around her. He ignores the blood all over her and carries her away from the bloody Hell she had created.

***

When his voice reaches her, her rage dies down a little. When his hands touch her shoulders, the tenderness coming off him in waves sinks in. When her anger subsides enough to allow her vision to clear, she's able to push the rest of the hate away. Though with a little trouble. But the sight of Leo standing in front of her is what finally causes her to calm down all the way.

But after feeling something other than the numbness she was feeling before, she can't hold in the pain like she had been. Her emotional wall can't be built up fast enough to stop her grief. It overwhelms her. She doesn't break down. But she starts to cry as he pulls her into his arms and carries her away.

The truth that she didn't want to feel sinks in. _He's never coming back_. It hits her hard, bringing another wave of grief with it. _He's never coming back._ It hits her like a wrecking ball. _He's never coming back._ It chants over and over again in her head. _He's never coming back._


	2. Chapter 1

**Ch. 1**

"_Raaaph!"_

_The burning building collapses, flames licking up at the sky. I fall to my knees in defeat, tears beginning to stream down my face. One thought runs through my head. This can't be happening. There's no way this is happening. If this just happened, the flames help to create my own personal Hell._

_My cries reduce to broken sobs as more of the building falls into a burning heap of flames and heat. "Raph!"_

_I feel arms around me as I stand up and try to run forward. They hold me tightly back. They keep me from running to the building. To him. I cry out again and again, fighting against the hold around me. I am switched from Leo to Mike as Leo runs toward the building. I start thrashing._

_I try to run after him. To find Raph. Leo yells to Mike to take me home. I can see tears in his eyes, sparkling from the light of the fire. No matter how much I fight, I can't escape the death grip Mike has me in. I don't want to go home. I want to find him. I _need_ to find him. I see Don run after Leo as I am carried away. My last glimpse of the building, shows Leo looking for a way in._

Lee jerks to an upright position as she calls out his name. She feels arms around her and instinctively turns into them. She is pulled into a warm embrace. Her tears lessen until she realizes… they aren't _his_ arms. All of the pain comes back again as she remembers. That was _not_ just a dream. She was remembering what really happened.

The attack, the fire, and the building collapsing all around them. The events of that horrible night come back to her as she cries in Leo's arms. The pain that has totally ruined her life. That has broken her heart and left her empty. She cries until she can't anymore. She cries herself to sleep.

***

He watches her sleep beside him. He wipes the tearstains from her eyes. It's only been five days. A long, painful five days for all of them. Five days without that feeling of eternal protection that disappeared that night. Without Raph.

But if that's not bad enough, it's seemed like they've lost Lee too. That night, she was numb. Quiet and dead. The next morning, Leo had woken up to find her gone. Don had tracked her with their tracking system, and after Leo insisting on going alone, he had found her. She had finally snapped. And when he got to her, she had broken down. Now she's as numb as she was before.

The next two days after that she wouldn't eat. She's given up fighting them now. But she still isn't herself. She's empty. She floats around like a ghost. She hasn't made any good facial expression since that night. It's always blank. Her face is always one of eternal pain.

She may be the worst, but all of them are upset. Mike hasn't been his happy-go-lucky self since that night. Like all of his energy and happiness were sucked out of him. Don busies himself with whatever he can find to keep his mind off of everything. And Leo's given up on trying to sleep. He was already awake when Lee first cried out tonight and was in her room instantly, ready to settle her.

He had cried with her. Now, he's looking around the room. He remembers the painful actions of the past few days. Finding her in that building, blood all over, many men slaughtered around her. By her. Getting her to eat. Keeping her from trashing what used to be her and Raph's room. And the first nightmare last night.

Leo squeezes his eyes shut at the memory that threatens to come back. It comes anyway.

"_Take her home Mike!" I see the defiant look in his eyes and before he can retort back I yell, "For her! Take her home!" _

_Mike clenches his teeth and picks up Lee. I watch as he glares at me, a few tears escaping as he turns and carries Lee away. I turn back to the fire. I run towards the building as Don comes up behind me. I'm already trying to find a way into the fire as he stops next to me._

"_Leo! Be careful!"_

_I ignore him and throw a beam out of me way. I can feel the heat of the fire so close to my face. I probably have a few slight burns on my hands now. But I don't care. I just want to get inside. I kick a few things out of my way to make a small opening. I can almost get in now. _

"_Leo!"_

_Almost there. Just a little…more… and… __**CRACK**__!_

_I find myself yanked backwards and hitting the ground rolling. I leap to my feet to see Don staring at me, wide-eyed and breathing hard. He starts to yell at me as I stand up. "You idiot! I told you to be careful!"_

"_I _was_ being careful!" I retort back. _

"_The thing almost fell on you!"_

_I look to the building. It had all fallen to the basement. Raph is dead. There is no way he could still be alive. And even if he is, we won't be able to get to him for a long time. Then he'd be dead for sure. I turn back to Don. "I couldn't not try!" _

"_But you could have paid attention!"_

"_I don't care! All I care about is trying to get Raph out of there!" I start to walk forward. _

"_Well you should care!" Don stalks up to me. "Did you see Lee? Did you see her face? She doesn't need to lose someone else!" He takes a few settling breaths. It's hard. Tears are streaming down his face. "And I don't either!"_

_I take a few deep breaths. He's right. Though trying to save Raph, I need to keep in mind that I still have a family to take care of. I feel selfish as I realize this. I try to calm my erratic breathing. "I know." I look up to Don. "I know." I let my head fall back down. "I… I'm sorry."_

_Don puts a hand to my shoulder. He sniffs. "Let's… go home."_

_I look up. "What?"_

_His eyes begin to water. "Let's go home Leo. There's nothing else we can do." His voice cracks on the last word. He doesn't trust himself to say anymore. With one last look back, Don begins to walk away. _

_I just stand there. I just look at the building, burning without caring what it was consuming. A brother. A friend. And a lover. With one last look, I turn to the waiting Donatello, and walk away from the fire, holding back the tears besides the few that escape. We head home. We are only four, once again._

Leo runs the bandana in his hands through his fingers. From the light of the small lamp on the desk, he looks at the black fabric, fading to red at the ends. He fingers the singed ends as he remembers that night. It's the one Raph had given her. Sometime after the incident with Nirona. To hold back her hair. Just another way to claim her as his. With his color on hers.

The past few days, she hasn't worn it. She doesn't fight because of her weapon, she doesn't train, and she doesn't wear any red, always wearing black and avoiding the other color as much as possible. They had been together for a little over a year. And now that he's gone, Lee isn't the same.

Leo sighs. Nothing has been the same since that night. It didn't just take Raph from them. It took Lee too. They aren't four. They're three.

***

Mike painfully watches Lee eat her breakfast. He knows it's just for them. He knows that she would rather die than live another day without _him_. But she eats. For them. So that they don't have to lose another family member.

He ignores his own breakfast to study her. It's not just her heart that's been changed. Her appearance has been changed considerably. She doesn't pull her hair back anymore. In fact, it's shorter. It's ragged but looks like it could be passed off as layered. He doesn't know who did that. It couldn't have been her. Unless she just had a breakdown. Then he remembers. Raph always commented on how beautiful her hair was when it was long.

It falls over her shoulders into her face now, at a little over shoulder length, seemingly protecting her from the world. It would have been different in a better way if Raph were alive. She was going to go with the ever-present joke and get red highlights.

Her face is worse though. Always one of complete pain. No sign of any other emotion besides pain and sadness. And it shows in her eyes. He can't stand to look into her eyes anymore. Always so dark. As if they'll never be blue like they were when Raph was alive ever again. They probably won't.

Mike finally gets up, putting his dishes away before he collapses on the couch. He flips through the channels before turning the T.V. back off and sighing as he closes his eyes. He tries to hold back tears from the memories that come forth.

"_Take her home Mike! For her! Take her home!"_

_I turn around reluctantly, watching Leo run to the fire, Don right behind him. The only thing keeping me from running up behind them is the girl in my arms right now. The one who is frantically fighting to find the one in the building. And would probably kill herself trying. I have no doubt._

_I run through the night, holding her close against me, as tight as I can. She stops struggling as soon as the fire is out of sight. She just goes limp, crying in my arms. I fight hard to not cry myself. I have to get her home. She's hurt. I have to get her home and take care of her. For all of us._

_I trudge through the sewers as Lee stops crying. She becomes silent. And as we enter the lair, I begin to get worried. I set her down in a chair, holding her up by her shoulders as she threatens to collapse. This makes me even more worried. I put my hand under her chin and lift her face up to me. "Are you okay?"_

_It was a stupid question. But when she looks at me, I feel the need to recall that question. When her eyes meet mine, I flinch as if someone had just knocked the breath out of me. They're empty. Black and void of any emotion. She's numb. She doesn't answer me. Just looks at me. And I look away after a few seconds. Then I start to get to work._

_I wrap up every burn, every cut, and check her ankle. I wince when I see the cut on her leg. I have to stitch it up, a pretty deep cut about 4 inches long on her leg. I wonder what it's from. I'll have to ask sometime. She doesn't make a sound the entire time, even though I use no pain reliever because I can't find it. _

_That's not it though. It's burnt too. She doesn't flinch at all, even with the needle going through the burnt skin. Even _I'm_ clenching my teeth the entire time, worried that it's hurting her. It makes me a little queasy. I really start to get worried._

_My mind wanders as I stitch her up. I start to talk to myself. To tell myself that Raph is going to be okay. That all three of them, alive and in one piece, are going to come through that door, one way or another. That they're gonna come in, saying how they don't know how, but he's safe. That's all I want. Just for them _all_ to be safe._

_But that doesn't happen. As I finish stitching her up, I hear a sound. I turn to the door as Leo and Don slowly walk in. No one follows. Their faces are indescribable. Pain. Sadness. But so extreme, those descriptions don't give it justice. They fall onto the couch, breaking down with shock._

"_There… there was just no way." Leo looks up. Tears are finally making their way down his face. "The building collapsed again. We couldn't get in. And there's just no way…" He leaves the sentence unfinished._

_I look pleadingly to Don. Who looks up at me. He shakes his head. "There was just… no way."_

_Then I break down too._

They couldn't save him. They couldn't bring him home so that he can say that it was alright and he was okay. Holding Lee for as long as she needed, her pain washed away by relief. No. Their brother was gone. Dead. Never coming back. And nothing was going to change that. Nothing can.

Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He opens his eyes to Lee. Her dark eyes dig painfully into his. He looks away, leaning back on the couch. Lee sits next to him, leaning on his shoulder. Suddenly feeling the need to hold her, reassure her, he pulls her into his arms.

It's still for a moment after he wraps his arms around her, until he feels her shake. His arms tighten as he starts to cry too, though harder than before. He had just realized something. The pain he is in… there is no way to describe. So the pain _she _must be in… is hard to even comprehend. It's _impossible_ to even begin to _understand._ Raph may have been their brother. But he was her life. And now he's gone.


	3. Chapter 2

**Ch. 2**

There is a lot of evil in the world. Evil surrounds us all in one way or another. There is no escaping it. The brighter a light shines, the longer the shadows grow. Evil is shadows. Darkness. There are different kinds of evil. And each kind is different in itself, seeking out it's own quenching of it's own dark thirst. Going to any length to get what they want. Yet never satisfied. Never happy. Always searching.

There is evil that goes for the body. Pain. Torment, suffering, and agony. It searches for someone to attack. To hear them scream. For someone to cry out for help as they are slowly killed. Pain thirsts for other pain. Craves for agonizing pain coursing through another body. Pain wants company. If they are hurting, so will others. And it doesn't stop with just one person.

There is evil that goes for the mind. Illusion. Disarray, confusion, and disorder in the mind. Making you think thoughts that aren't true. Slowly pushing you over the edge. Make you feel pain that isn't really there. Making you feel fear that has no reason to be there. Of something that doesn't exist. All pushing you over into insanity. And insanity goes slowly into death. It takes its time to enjoy the suffering of the mind it is destroying. But it all ends in death.

Then there is evil that goes for the heart. Hate. Not the hate that comes from the mind, but a passionate hate. Doing whatever it can to kill the heart of the one it hates. Of the one it loathes with passion. Going after everything that heart holds dear with all of its power. Friends. Family. Anything and anyone that heart passionately loves and cares for. Going to great measures to make that heart suffer. From killing, to torturing, to taking. This evil also seeks death as an end. But not physical death. The death of the heart. Of love. So that being can never love again. Can never be happy again.

This is the evil that torments a broken heart. The evil that also uses Lee and the brothers for his pleasure. Uses their despair as a tool. Their burning hearts to torment another. To watch the two hearts slowly eaten away at until they can't stand it anymore. Until they snap.

The body of the evil stands in a dark room, in front of many T.V. screens. He grins evilly to himself. The pain he is inflicting to both ends of his tormentation is amazing to him. He loves it. He doesn't even have to do anything. The images on the screens do it for him. This hadn't exactly been his plan, but it has turned out even better than he could ever have imagined. Or hoped.

***

"_No! Raph, why are you back?!"_

"_I'm not leaving you!"_

"_No! Get out of here!" I struggle to get the burning beam off of my leg. I look up to see him coming closer. "Raph…!"_

_He crouches down next to me. "No." He doesn't yell. He growls the word, staring into my eyes with such emotion, my breath catches. Flames dance in his eyes before he looks away to lift the beam. Of course. He won't settle for less._

_I snap back to the moment and scramble out from under the beam so he can let it go. He helps me stand. I start to run as I grab his hand. We start running towards the exit together. We're going to make it._

"_Whatever happens, just keep running! I'll be right behind you!" he calls from behind me. I can't respond. I'm starting to lose breath. Becoming smothered by the thick smoke all around us._

_I see the door and run faster. Another beam crashes down from the ceiling, making me let go of Raph's hand. _

"_Keep going!" he yells. I keep running. He's right behind me. He has to be. So I run, trusting that he's there. I run through the door, coughing as I make it to the others. _

_Don lowers me to the ground as I almost collapse from the dizziness in my head from the smoke. I don't pay attention as he says something about taking deep breaths. I look around to the building, the reality not quite setting in yet. Until Leo looks to me. Before he even asks the question, I can see the worry in his eyes. Something clicks._

"_Lee? Where's Raph?"_

_Heeeeck no. No, no, no, no, no. I start to hyperventilate as I turn back to the building. He's nowhere in sight. My voice catches. Then I scream. "Raaaph!"_

_***_

Lee wakes up coughing. As if she had just come out of the building. The dream was so real. It was as if it had just happened. She could see his eyes, smell the smoke, taste it, and feel the flames. She uncovers herself, leaning over, still coughing. She's sweating as if she just came out of the building.

She looks up when she hears her door open. It's Don. Tears are streaming down her face. He goes to her, sitting down next to her, and puts a hand on her chest as she leans over. He starts rubbing her back with his other hand. "Shhh. It's okay. Shhh." He waits until she stops coughing, then hugs her. "It's okay hon. You're okay."

She snuggles up under his chin as she tries to rid herself of the memories. Rid herself of the feeling that's been haunting her since that night. She takes comfort in the way his arms tighten around her. He pulls her into his lap, and she's glad for the more secure position. She curls up in his arms.

Don leans his head on hers. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He begins to rock her back and forth. "But you know, we couldn't stop him. Not that we had the heart to. We wanted you safe too. He had such determination in his eyes. You could see the worry, the pain, and the heartache that drowned him when he knew you were in danger."

It's quiet for a moment. Then, "He would never leave you Lee. It was just another challenge for him. A personal one that he would not lose. He would never be able to stand the thought of losing you." He pauses to listen to Lee try to stop crying.

"Yes he loved us, and would do the same he did for you for any one of us, but you were his life. Losing you would kill him. He would literally go insane. His version of what you're doing. It would be worse. So much worse, you have no idea."

It's quiet for a long time, before he says, "We need you Lee. You're like a ghost around here. You float around like you aren't even here. If… if we can't have… _him,_ then we can at least have you. Can't we?"

Lee looks into his eyes for a few seconds before going back under his chin. Don re-tightens his hug as he thinks to himself. When she's almost asleep, he lays her back down. "Love you Lee," he whispers. He sits on the edge of her bed until he's sure she's asleep, then sneaks out of her room.

***

_A week? Has it really been that long? Have I really lived through a week?_ Don leans his forehead against the shell cycle and sighs. _A week without Raph. That's just not… possible._ He trades tools and goes back to what he's doing, trying to suppress memories. They come anyway.

The promise of returning that was never kept. The shadow of a broken heart stretched along the ground behind a kneeling figure. Voices calling out for the one never to return. Flames burning everything to ashes.

Smoke curling to the sky that should be crying over their loss. The broken cry of love that was viciously torn apart. The half of love that's alive, grieving for its completion. Their world crashing down around them.

The horrors of that night are ones they wish to forget. To never remember when they lost him. They wish that it would storm. The rain lashing at the fire in their hearts. Washing the pain away.

Tears stream down Don's face as he continues to work and remembers how Raph would usually help him with this type of stuff. He hears someone walk up behind him as he fights with the tool to do as it's told. He ignores the hand on his shoulder as he continues to work. Until he hears her voice for the first time in days.

"Don." That's all she says. Just his name.

His head falls as he sighs. "I'm fixing what he wanted us to fix a while ago."

The hand rubs his shoulder. "I know," she barely chokes out in a quiet whisper.

He suddenly stands up, throwing the tool in his hand. He hears it hit the wall and clink to the floor as he wraps his arms around the now frail figure in front of him. He pulls her into his arms as hers go around his neck.

He holds her in desperation as she clings to him as a way to hold herself together. They hold each other as they cry, Lee eventually falling asleep in his arms. He carries her to her room and puts her to bed when he realizes how late it's gotten.

As he lays her down in her bed, he glances at the sheets that hang up in the middle of what used to be one big room. He remembers putting them up after she had refused to go into her room. Because of all the reminders. All pictures, belongings, and anything else that reminded her of Raph was removed from her area and put into his.

Don closes Lee's door as he heads to his room. None of them had the heart to clean out Raph's room. They had left everything exactly how it was the morning before he left. Besides a few of Lee's things put in his hammock, nothing has been changed.

Sure, Lee wouldn't look at the room, but they all know that if she found out that they changed something, their lives would become a living nightmare. Well, more than it already was. _Yeah_, Don thinks as he goes into his room, _it will be a long time before Lee lets go. A very long time._

_Or she may never let go, _a voice in the back of his head whispers. He pushes it away. Yes, the scars ran deep, but could this really push her to the point of death in any way? Whether from starvation, pain, or… he could hardly think it. Suicide?

_Never_ he thinks to himself.

_Maybe_ the voice whispers.

_She would never leave us like that. Would she?_


	4. Chapter 3

****

**I started writing this story while i was still finishin up IBiY. i just keep on rollin with this one. the idea wouldn't leave me alone so i started it early. **

**Ch. 3**

"Leo?" Don knocks on his brother's bedroom door. After his consent, he goes in.

"Hey Don," Leo sighs, his eyes still closed.

Don sits down in front of him, copying his position. "Umm, hey."

Leo opens his eyes now. "What is it?"

"It's nothing bad. At least I don't think so," Don replies. "It's just that… Lee talked to me yesterday. On purpose. Not much, but it was something."

The shadow of a smile shows on Leo's face. "That's good right? Why do you seem nervous? What did she say?"

"Yes it's good, and it was just three words. What makes me nervous is the change. I talked to her after a nightmare 2 nights ago now, but… she seems to be making a hollow effort. For us, even though she doesn't care."

It's quiet for a moment, before Leo actually smiles. It's very, very small, but it's a smile. "Don't worry Don. I think it's just whatever you told her the other night. Maybe it broke the ice."

The other thinks for a moment. "Maybe. I hope so. I just… want her back Leo."

"I know Donnie. I know." He stands and the other follows. Leo puts his arm around the other's shoulders. "C'mon. Let's see what she and Mikey are up to."

Don nods and follows his brother out of the room. They barely take two steps before the aforementioned comes running towards them. He skids to a stop. "Guys. I think there's something wrong with Lee."

Leo's tiny bit of happiness from earlier leaves. He frowns. "Why? What's wrong?"

Mike's eyes are big as he answers. "She talked."

Don cracks a small smile now and turns to Leo. "At least I'm not the only one who freaked out," he says, even a little rueful.

"No. Get this. I went to wake her up and she was already awake."

"So…" Leo frowns.

"She was staring off into space when I came in, clutching… _his_ pillow, but she snapped out of it as soon as I came in as if she didn't want to be seen like that."

This draws the desired looks from the other two. "And listen to this. When I started making pancakes, (I figured she'd eat them since she was acting… alive) she grabbed an egg that was falling off before _I_ could. _And_, she started to help. In fact, she's finishing up right now."

The other two look at each other. "Okay, she's… talking, moving faster than usual, and making breakfast," Leo lists off. "Okay. I will count this as a good thing until we find some bad effect of it." He turns back to Mike.

He nods and runs back down the hall. Leo starts walking again and Don follows. _This is a drastic change for just overnight. Was it something Don said or is it that she hopes to forget?_

***

Lee etches another tally into her bedpost out of boredom. She can't fall asleep though she's laid here for hours. But she's not surprised. It's been this way for a long time. _Eight days. Eight days without… Him. _She sighs and rolls onto her side. _Why? Why did that have to happen? Why the fire? Why must I live without him?_

She doesn't remember what happened that night after the fire. Well, none of it until when Leo got there. She heard Leo telling the others one night. How she had taken a spare pair of katanas and slaughtered all those men. She doesn't remember it. It's like something took her over. As she thinks about it, she realizes it could have been the darkness she feels inside of her.

She knows she has it. She's held it back time and again. But she thinks it escaped her in her rage over Raph's death. So it took her over. Controlled her. And didn't let go until she heard Leo's voice. And even then, it was hard to get through. She was so close to going for Leo. She remembers that feeling when she thinks about it. She doesn't want to lose it to her darkness again.

She takes her thoughts away from that disturbing thought. She rolls over again out of agitation. _I don't want to live as if he's still here. I don't want to do normal day things without him. It makes it feel so… final. But that's what they want. They want me to act normal. So I will try. For them._

She feels herself begin to get tired and drift off. She suddenly doesn't want to go to sleep. She's afraid. Afraid of the dream she knows will come. The one that will wake her, screaming out his name as all the other times before. She doesn't want to sleep. But she doesn't want to stay awake either. She's trapped.

It takes another hour for her to finally give in to her tiredness. When she does, she's asleep before she can even process that she's drifting.

***

"_Lee! Duck!"_

_I duck down just in time to have Raph's sai fly over my head. I turn and grab it from the chest of its target and toss it back to him. 'Thanks for the warning. A little sooner next time!"_

_He grins at me before we both go back to fighting. "You got it sweetheart."_

_I feel a shiver run through me. No. Focus. Lose concentration and you're dead. But… will I ever get used to that look? Ha. No. I leap suddenly to get away from one person, to just land in front of another. Yep. Wasn't paying attention. I've got to tell him to stop distracting me._

_Thunder rumbles from the sky as a storm passes over. A brief thought of 'I hope it rains' goes through my mind as I head to one of their power generators. It's my job to plant the explosive on the main line so that Don can blow it up when we're out of here. This is the one. I jut have to plant it and run._

_Don gave me the explosive, much to Raph's disapproval, as a way to keep me focused. They're trying to control the wildness I go to when I'm fighting. Ha. Good luck with that. But anyway, Raph needs to lighten up. This thing won't explode until we're ready. __When we're all a little ways away from the building._

_I look to the sky as I near the generator. The storm's getting worse. And a little too close for comfort when you're outside. And of course, it happens. I'm a few feet away when a deafening crack and an explosion throws me backwards. One word. Lightning. I push myself up from the ground to see the generator and the whole side of the building on fire. Crap. Oh well. It did my job for me._

_Raph is suddenly at my side. "Lee. You okay?"_

"_Yeah. Yeah I'm good." I shake my head as he helps me up. Man, why do I always hit my head? It's terribly frustrating._

_I turn to Raph, who is looking at the building. "Wow. The fire's spreading fast."_

_How? I have no idea. But hey, you never know what's all over these warehouses. I put my hand to Raph's shoulder. "Raph! We have to get the guys out of there!"_

"_I know!" He grabs my arm and pulls me along behind him._

_We go through the door to see the others still fighting. The fire is spreading along the beams above us. It makes me nervous to be under it. I run up to Don. He turns to me. "Hey. You guys okay?" he asks, noticing a new cut on my head from the explosion. _

"_Yeah. But ten more feet and I woulda been a goner," I reply fighting back to back with him now._

"_Ready to leave yet Leo? Or do ya wanna get burned alive?" Raph asks sarcastically before he leaps over my head and barrels into someone that was headed my way, taking care of him easily._

_I look around. The fire is spreading fast. Too fast. Wait. The other generators. They must have blown up too! I look around. Sure enough, they're in pieces. The shock of the lightning must have through the other one and went to them to blow them up. More fire than I thought. Wonderful. That lightning strike was not in our plan._

_Yep. Time to go. Man. That rain sounds good right now. Oh. Of course. The drought. That's why the fire is spreading so fast and caught so easily. A totally wood building, fire, and a drought don't mix too well. Great. "Let's go Don! Leo! Mikey!"_

_Raph suddenly shows up next to me. "C'mon. Let's get outta here." I run behind him towards the door._

_I watch as Mikey and Leo both go through the door. Don waits for us. The roof creaks. I realize with horror, that a beam is loosening over Don. Despite the circumstances, I smile as Raph runs even faster to Don. I know he's going to make it. He won't settle for less._

_Sure enough, he pummels into Don as the piece of the roof collapses, pushing them both out the door. I sigh in relief. As I run, I see other purple dragons trying to get out. As I'm looking, someone comes right at me. They tackle me to the ground. On purpose._

"_My boss will be proud if I kill at least one of you."_

_I struggle to get to my feet. As I wrestle with him, I realize that a beam is loosening overhead. As it snaps, my attacker jumps out of the way. I can't get out of the way fast enough. It falls. On me. I cry out as it lands on my leg. The man smiles at me. We have a glaring war for all of two seconds. Then he runs off through the smoke. Probably out another door. _

_I watch the flames close in on me. I try to shift the beam, but don't get anywhere. I let myself fall to the ground. Oh well. At least it was me and not one of them. As I lay here, I wonder how they will react. I feel a throbbing of pain in my leg and figure it's cut. I also feel the hot beam start to burn me through my jeans. I don't struggle. It would be useless. At least my family is safe._

_As I'm laying here, a crack draws my attention to the door in front of me. I look in time to see Raph rolling to his feet. I have a huge 'Ohmygosh!' moment. He threw himself at the door! The idiot came back in for me! NO! He is in so much freaking trouble!_


	5. Chapter 4

****

**I had this typed up. i really did, but i never had the time to upload it. tests, homework, and award banquets and stuff kept me busy. but it's here now. end of school is coming. Just seven more days!!**

**Ch. 4**

Lee wakes up breathing hard. She sits up as a few thoughts run through her subconscious. As she calms down some and wakes up a little, she's able to process them. One, _it never rained_. Two, _I'm glad I killed him. He deserved to die_. Three, _if the generator was disabled like it was supposed to be, it wouldn't have been there for the lightning to travel through. Less fire, more escape time._

That last thought tears her heart right out of her as it runs through her mind. It was all her fault. If she hadn't taken so long to take out the generator, they would have been able to get out in time. If she had fought harder to get unstuck, he wouldn't have come in after her. _He_ would be alive.

_It's all my fault._ As reality hits, tears begin to flow down her face. She shakes with sobs that wrack her body. One hand goes to her stomach as she leans over, and the other goes to her heart at an attempt to hold herself together. It doesn't work. She begins to feel pain with every heartbeat.

She becomes nauseated with the realization that comes in a wave of heartache and pain. If she had eaten something earlier, it would have come up right now. She suddenly finds herself without enough air. Her breathing comes in short, quick gasps as she tries to breathe.

She soon realizes that her attempts are nothing. He was her source of all life. He _was_ her life. Without him, She can't breathe comfortably. After realizing it was her fault, all air is gone. Just like him. He was her life. He was the one that took her out of the darkness and kept her in the light. Now she's in a hole. Because he's gone. And she can't breathe. She begins to feel light headed.

It shocks her to realize she doesn't care. That she doesn't care to die. But all of that leaves as she hears Leo talking to Don as they walk down the hall. She hears Don leave as Leo lightly knocks on her door. "Leo." She can barely choke out his name. Her door is open in an instant. She can breathe again when she sees his face. Not comfortably, but enough.

"Lee," he breathes. He takes in her pale face, tears, and hunched over figure and goes quickly to her side. He takes her face in his hands as he kneels in front of her. "Hey. You're okay hon. What's the matter?" He wipes away the tears, but new ones follow just as fast.

Lee's hand over her stomach moves to Leo's arm. She holds onto him in desperation as she starts to settle her breathing. Her other hand stays firmly over her heart. Pain shoots through her body with every beat, reminding her of what she's done. His life in exchange for hers, even when it was her fault. This keeps the tears going. They won't stop soon.

With every short, quick breath, Leo realizes that something is wrong. He begins to stand up. He stops when the hand on his arm tightens. Quite painfully. He turns to her. "I'm just going to get Don."

Lee takes a few shaky breaths. "Don't leave me. Please." It's barely a whisper.

The force behind the words makes Leo stop and think. There was a reason behind them. They were quiet, but said so forcefully that it was as if she would stop breathing as soon as he stepped out of the room. He doesn't go. Instead, he sits down and pulls her into his arms. "Okay. Shhh. It's okay. I won't leave you. I promise."

He rocks her back and forth as she shakes, repeating that sentence over and over again. He stays with her, always rocking her back and forth as she cries for more than an hour. When she finally stops, he leans back and takes her face into his hands. He wipes away the tears before staring into her eyes. What he sees scares him.

They are empty. Black. As if her life was just sucked out of her. There is no life. But there is emotion. Pain beyond belief. Sadness that is far, far beyond describable. Realization. But of what, Leo doesn't know. But he's going to find out. Find out what has her so… dead inside.

"Lee. What's wrong?"

"It… it's my fault. I killed him. He's dead because of me Leo. It's all my fault. I killed him." Her words are just a whisper. It's as if she has no voice. Just the air to speak. What little air she actually had. Tears come again.

"What?" He can't believe what he just heard. Was she blaming herself for Raph's death? No. This is not tolerable. "No. Lee, no. Don't you _dare_ blame that on yourself." He grips her shoulders and shakes her. "There is no reason that his death was your fault."

"I screwed it up." She begins to cry again. "I… I took too long... to get to the generator," she says between sobs. "If I had gotten to it… sooner, the electricity from the lightning… wouldn't have been able to travel to the others. The fire would have been smaller to start with… and we would've all gotten out."

Leo doesn't know what to say. Was she really blaming herself? No. Again, not tolerable. He takes her by her shoulders and sits her up. He glares daggers into her eyes. "Now listen here, and listen closely. You cannot blame yourself for a totally unpredictable shock of lightning. You are not at fault. You are crazy if you think it could have been helped. Lightning still would have set fire to the building, and we don't know if we would've been able to get out. It wasn't your fault."

"But it's not just that, I also-"

"No," he growls. He pulls her face right up to his, glaring right into her eyes that are now only an inch or two away. "If I hear one more word that even hints at what you shouldn't believe, I will hit you so hard, you'll forget everything." _Crap._ He wishes instantly that he could take back those words.

Lee looks up at him. "Say that again."

"I wasn't serious."

"Yes you were."

He sighs. "No. Lee, you don't want to forget _everything_. You don't want to forget Raph." He sees her flinch at the name, but he doesn't care. Maybe that will help him get the point across. "You don't want to forget his love. You don't want to forget _your_ love for _him_."

"Yes. I do." She looks him in the eyes. "I want to forget. I want the pain to go away. I want to be able to breath again. I can't escape it Leo. Not even in sleep. As soon as I close my eyes, I see the fire. I see his face. I feel the pain that goes along with it all. I don't want to remember anymore."

Leo's arms drop from her shoulders. As much as he hates to say it, he understands. He realizes how bad she really is. No escape from pain. Heartache. She deserves so much better than this. But he can't do anything about it. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry Lee." He pulls her into a hug.

"Sorry?" she whispers.

"I'm sorry I can't help you. That I can't make you forget. Can't make the pain go away."

Was _he_ apologizing to _her_? Sorry that he can't make her _forget_? That's not even possible! That he can't _help_? He already has! "Leo," her voice whispers, "you _have_ helped me."

She feels him shake his head. "No. You deserve so much better Lee. _He_ should be here. He'd be able to get you through something like this." He lets go, looking down at the bed.

The subtle suggestion that it should have been him. She knew it could come. It's Leo. He always does that. But it still shocks her. "Bull… crap." Suddenly her voice is back. She has to keep herself from cussing.

He looks up at her. "What?"

She takes his face in her hands. "Is that what you think I want? That I'd trade you out for him?"

He looks into her eyes. He sees a little bit of life in them. A new emotion… determination? "I _know_ you would."

To his shock, she cracks the corner of a smile. It's a sad one, but it's something. She shakes her head. "Then you don't know me very well."

He looks down again.

She takes his hands. "You know how I told you, you helped me? All you did was check on me. Come into this room. Before you came in, I couldn't breathe. Then you came in, and I could breathe again. Not perfectly, but just enough." She lifts his face to hers. "You, Mikey, and Donnie are the only reasons I'm still here."

He knows what she means. Still alive. "But… would you? If you had a choice?"

Her face is blank as she answers. "I'm glad I'll never have to make that choice."

"But…"

She shakes her head. "That's not a fair question. I can't answer it." She sits back. "That's just like me asking if you would trade me for… _him_. If you would've stopped him from coming in after me."

"I guess I understand now."

Her eyes become less alive again as she looks down. "Please stay. I know I shouldn't be asking this of you when it was my fau—"

Leo's hand covers her mouth. He's glaring at her again. "Shut up. I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth," he growls. With that, he lays down, pulling her with him. He keeps her at a comfortable distance until she scoots closer. He hugs her too him as she snuggles under his chin. She is his 'sister' after all.

"I love you," she whispers.

"I love you too hon."

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

He sighs. "Shut up and go to sleep."

She sighs too. "You are a great older brother."

This shocks him a little. How she said that so easily. "I'm glad you can see me like that so easily. As if I'm not different."

"As far as I'm concerned, you're not," she mumbles.

"That's cool," Leo whispers. It's quiet then, until they are both asleep.


	6. Chapter 5

**Ch. 5**

Evil stares down at the figure in front of him. Will this be the final standoff for one of them? Of course not. He wasn't done torturing his victim yet. And there is no way they are going to win. And when they lose, they're going back into the cell. How he got out, he doesn't know. But it _won't_ happen again.

His victim makes the first move. The strikes are dealt out with great strength and precision. He feels very weak for a moment as he backs up. He eventually finds a way to put the advance on his side, getting in a few good hits. The control of the situation doesn't stay with him long.

Evil soon finds himself backing up and loosing energy and force. He becomes enraged when he finds himself the attacked rather than the attacker. To think. This was all brought on by the stupid girl. Because she was falling apart over the loss of her 'beloved Raphael'. It was almost good enough to laugh about. If he wasn't being attacked right now.

As he fights back, he feels like saying something to tease the other, but for once, he thinks first. He really doesn't feel like making the stronger one even stronger from anger. His blazing eyes look fierce enough. Just because the stupid girl cried and blamed it on herself. That seemed to be the breaking point. That's why he finds himself on the ground right now.

He opens his mouth to say something, but can't remember what it is. Instead, he finds out, he can't breathe. As he looks up at the form of burning rage above him, he feels the warmth of blood spread across his chest. His eyes close as a faint thought crosses his mind. Who knew the simple act of blaming Raphael's death on herself would kill him?

***

Sneaking out of the bed without moving it an inch and making it out of the room without waking someone up was a skill. Sneaking out of a ninja's arms without waking them up was an art. One that Lee had mastered with Raph. She congratulates herself halfheartedly as she goes to the kitchen for not waking Leo. To her, that was quite an accomplishment.

She wraps her arms around herself as she shivers. She's getting cold chills more often. In an instant, she decides to make herself some coffee, thinking maybe that will help her feel more alive. She winces after opening the cupboard though. She instantly closes it and goes to sit on the couch. She is suddenly not in the mood for coffee. Especially not her favorite flavor that _he_ had gotten for her.

She sighs as she huddles up on the couch. She shivers involuntarily at the cold draft that blows by her as the door opens. She doesn't even open her eyes. She wouldn't care if it were some deranged psychopath coming in with a chainsaw to cut her to pieces alive. _That_ would be less pain than living.

"Lee?"

She opens her eyes. "Hey April." Then Casey walks in. She closes them again. "Hey Case." She forces herself to keep breathing.

April sits next to her. "Hey sweetie. How are you guys doing?"

Lee uncurls herself and sits up. "We're… okay." She flinches as Casey sits where _He_ used to sit. She shivers again.

"You sure? _You_ don't look too good?"

"I just remembered why I don't get my own food when I went to get coffee."

"Oh." She stands up. "You want some hot chocolate? You look cold."

"Sure. Thanks."

Casey gets up and grabs a blanket off the other chair. He sits down next to her, wrapping it around her shoulders. "Thanks," she breathes.

Not trusting himself to say anything, he just smiles a little. He turns to the stairs as Mikey comes down. April turns to him too. "Hey Mikey."

"Hey April… Casey… Lee." He sits on the other side of Lee as April brings her, her hot chocolate. He puts an arm around her. "Morning."

"Hey." She absentmindedly gets a drink.

Mike shares a look with Casey over Lee's head. He jerks his head towards the stairs. Casey nods and gets up with him, following him up the stairs. He turns to him at the top. "Has she always looked so… dead?"

Mike shakes his head. "In some ways she's worse, and in some, better. She didn't used to talk, but today her eyes seem totally empty. Worse than yesterday even."

"She looks freezing. It's not that cold down here. Is she sick?"

Mike shakes his head. "No. That seems worse too. She's always cold, but… not like this. Casey, I'm worried. She barely eats, she doesn't sleep because of her stupid nightmares, she seems to have lost all interest in life, and… and I don't know what to do." He blinks back tears, not wanting Lee to see them when they go back.

Casey puts a hand to Mike's shoulder, not really knowing what to do. Comforting April was one thing. Especially since he was hit hard by Raph's death himself. They both had a good cry together. But with Mike... he doesn't know what to do.

"None of us know what to do."

They both turn to Leo. "Hey Leo."

"Hey Casey." He turns to Mike. "How is she?"

"Not good dude."

He sighs. "Worse?"

Mike nods. "Yeah. Another nightmare?"

Leo nods. "Yeah. She's blaming it on herself."

"_What?"_ It's a hiss to keep from gathering attention from Lee, even though he doubts she'd really notice.

Leo sighs. "Yeah."

"Dude. That's a new all time low."

"How does she think it's her fault?"

They all turn to Don. Leo answers. "She says that if she had disabled the main generator before the lightning strike, the others wouldn't have exploded, making less fire…"

"And more escape time," Don finishes. "That's not true though. We don't know if something else could've gone wrong. It could have been one of us."

"I know. I tried to tell her."

"But she won't listen," Don states.

"Yeah."

Don sighs as they all start downstairs. "There's nothing we _can_ do guys. It's all up to her." The last few words are a whisper as they get closer to Lee.

"That's scary," Mike mumbles.

***

_If the world was as it should be, maybe I could get some sleep. I'm feeling older than my years, I'm feeling pain within my chest. It's love that keeps me silent, it's my silence you detest. Love's a bad decision, to risk impending choke. Love will keep you wishing, but my heart's already broke._

Lee has felt pain. A lot of pain. Both physical and emotional. She's been almost killed many times. She's had to leave _him_ once. She's been attacked by _him_ once. She's had to fight _him_. She's thought she lost _him_. She's thought she lost each and every one of them at one point or another. But this… This is beyond pain. This is agony.

With every breath, with every beat of her heart, she is reminded of the one who isn't there. With every heartbeat, she remembers. It feels as if someone has cut out her heart and put fire in its place. A numb fire. That burns through her with equal intervals. It's the only way she knows it's still there. The pain of taking another breath without _him_. Because it was all her fault.

Not even thinking of where she's going, she walks through the sewers. Casey and April left two hours ago and after laying on the couch for those two numb hours, she'd gotten up. She doesn't know where she's going now, just so she's away from everything that reminds her of _him_. It doesn't work.

She finds herself on the roof. It's raining, but she doesn't feel it. The rain is coming down so hard, she is soaked already, but she doesn't care. She doesn't' care about anything anymore. She leans against a wall and slides down to the ground. She looks around as lightning flashes and the deep rumble of thunder follows.

A sudden thought runs through her mind. It's raining. This isn't a dry storm as it was that night. It's raining this time. "Stupid rain. Couldn't have come… how long has it been?" she mumbles to herself. "Too long," she decides. "Too freaking long."

She's crying now. But you can't tell. Her tears mix with the rain that flows down her cheeks. She lays her head on her knees as she silently cries, totally oblivious to the lighting and thunder around her. She stays there for a long time, just crying. The storm rages around her as she cries again, like so many other times since that night. But it still isn't a cry that will let her let go.

After a while, she lifts her head. She stares at their spot for a long time before finally getting up and going to it. She walks to their spot at the edge of the roof and sits down. Lightning flashes in front of her and she doesn't so much as flinch as thunder cracks barely a second later. She's thinking. Remembering.

"_Remember what you said the other day?"_

"_About what?"_

"_About what you would have done if you had, had to stop me from… killing you guys."_

"_Yeah." I look up to him. "What about it?"_

"_You wouldn't have actually…killed yourself would you?"_

"_I don't know. I just know that… I wouldn't be able to handle it."_

_He sighs. He pulls me into his arms. "Promise me something."_

"_What?"_

"_Never do that. Never kill yourself, no matter what happens to me."_

"_But-"_

"_No. Promise me. Promise me you won't."_

"_I… I promise."_

Lee's hands clench into fists as she remembers that conversation. She looks down and opens one when she feels something in it. She had unconsciously held her necklace. She pulls it over her head and holds it in her hand. She stands up as she closes her hand into a fist again. She looks down into the ally below her.

She never thought she'd be the kind of person who would kill herself. But standing here now, the thought of suicide is very tempting. Just one step to end her pain. To end a life without him. Then she flinches as his voice comes back to her as if he were standing right next to her. And her answer follows.

"_Never do that. Never kill yourself, no matter what happens to me."_

"_I… I promise."_

In the rain now, that promise feels so hollow. So unreal. But she knows, to him, it was true. It was what he wanted. He wanted her to keep on living without him. She flinches again. To live without him. Who knew that could cause so much pain?

She opens her hand and looks at the necklace. She looks at the pendant. And the ring. Then she snaps. Her total emotional balance snaps. "You freakin' idiot! Why did you come back in for me?!" She begins to pace. "You didn't save my life! You made it into a freakin' nightmare!"

Thunder rumbles as she paces and cries. "You told me you'd be right behind me! But you weren't! Now I'm out here in the freakin' rain, cryin' my freakin' eyes out because you won't ever come _back!_" She throws her necklace on the last word. It hits the wall and falls to the ground. But it's already forgotten.

She walks back to the edge of the roof. "I could end this freakin' nightmare right now! But I can't! Because I don't wanna break the last freakin' promise I ever made to you!" She takes a few steps away from the edge and collapses.

She starts to shake. From anger, sadness, and the cold of the rain that's started to seep through her hoodie. She moves to lean against the wall and wraps her arms around herself. "Why did you leave me Raph? Why couldn't you have just left me there?" She leans sideways against the wall and pulls her knees up to her chest. She finally breaks down. She begins to sob.

***

_That is my story. It was all my fault. He would be alive now if it wasn't for me. I will never forgive myself. Never. I now start to cry. With tears that will soon run dry. With pain that will never leave. With love that will never come again. I don't care anymore. I just don't care. _

***

"I want to die." She starts to shiver uncontrollably. "I want to die." She sits there for what seems like hours, then begins to pass out from exhaustion, the cold, and the pain the memories brought on. In a sudden moment, she's warm. The rain stops falling on her as she's pulled into a warm presence. Her crying slowly calms down and eventually fades as her mind goes into darkness.


	7. Chapter 6

**I typed this one up fast. **

**Ch. 6**

**Things you expect do not come when you expect them to. **

**And the unexpected come at unexpected times. **

**But even the unexpected can be what could be expected all along.**

**It just takes realizing that it's real, to realize that it's happened.**

"Leo, wrap him up. Mikey, get more blankets. She feels like she has a fever."

Aware of voices, but too out of it to care, she fades in and out of consciousness.

"Her temperature is at 103 and rising."

She hears things randomly but never really listens to them.

"Don! It's almost to 105!"

She doesn't open her eyes.

"There's nothing more we can do except wait for the fever to break."

She has some trouble breathing again.

"How's she doing?"

At certain points, she is vaguely aware of someone holding her hand.

"You can leave her side for two seconds. She's not going to disappear."

She eventually fades out completely.

"I'm not goin' anywhere."

***

She starts mumbling as her fever breaks late the next night. She says many of the same things over and over again. All about Raph. 'I miss you's, 'I'm sorry's, and 'Don't leave me's.

The one laying half on the bed next to her lifts his head and smiles sadly as he strokes her hair away from her sweaty face. He starts to soothingly talk to her. "Shhh. It's okay sweetheart. It's okay."

Don comes in and sits on her bed. "How is she doing?"

"She's doin' good. Fever hasn't come back Is she gonna be okay now?"

"Don't worry bro. She'll be better than she's been in days."

The other nods. As Don gets up, he puts his hand to his arm. "Hey. Thanks. For everything."

Don smiles back. "No problem." He puts a hand to his shoulder.

"Thanks Donnie. I don't know what we'd do without you."

Don grins before slipping out the door. "That _is_ a scary thought."

The other smiles to himself as he turns back to Lee. After a while, he takes her temperature. It's almost normal at 99.2. He takes off the extra blanket and lays down beside her. "Lee, you are so stupid."

***

Her world fades into focus as she opens her eyes. She feels a source of warmth and scoots closer to it. She freezes when an all too familiar pair of arms pull her closer. She slowly looks up. Her heart stops when her eyes meet his. Her breathing becomes erratic as they flash with happiness when he smiles.

"I'm dead aren't I?"

His smile steals her breath away. "No. You're alive."

She doesn't move. "This has to be a dream then. This cant' be real. And you're right. If I _was_ dead, I wouldn't feel so… sick."

His smile gets wider. "It's real. I promise."

"No. No more promises."

His smile fades. "I'm here Lee. This is real. I'm alive. I swear."

She slowly sits up. "This is some sort of nightmare," she mumbles.

"Nightmare?" He sits up too.

"No. You're right. Reality's going to be the nightmare." She leans heavily into him as his arms go around her. "I don't want to wake up," she breathes.

He chuckles. "You know, at one time, you said you didn't want to go to sleep."

"This dream is better than reality."

He sighs. "Lee, this isn't a dream."

"I cant' believe that. There's just…"

He kisses her, cutting her off. "Believe me yet?"

"No," she breathes.

He kisses her again, only pulling back when they need to breathe. He gives her the look she loves so much. "How 'bout now?"

She stares back. Her eyes start to water. "I… I just can't. I don't want to believe it, then wake up."

"There will be no wakin' up from this sweetheart. Sorry to disappoint you."

She sighs, falling into his chest. "I want to believe you. I really do."

"Ya had us worried for a long time there ya know. You almost got yer wish."

"What?"

She feels him tremble as his arms tighten around her. "To die."

She looks at him.

"You fever was around 105 fer hours. At one point we were afraid it would make it to 106. Ya had us worried sweetheart." He looks down at her expectantly.

"This doesn't prove that I'm awake."

He sighs as he puts his head on her shoulder. "So what do I have ta do to prove it?" he murmurs into her neck, making her shiver. "Hmmm?"

***

When her eyes open, she lays there for a second. Then she remembers. She jerks to an upright position and looks around. She's alone. _But it felt so real…_ Her heart clenches as she looks to the empty half of the bed. She looks around again and winces as she notices she can see the other half of the room. But she looks anyway.

She gets up and walks over to his hammock. She notices that she has a dry oversized t-shirt on. She figures one of them must have changed her out of her wet clothes. Her thoughts stop when she reaches the hammock. She runs her hand lightly over the edge as she hears the door open. She doesn't turn around.

"Hey. You okay?" It's Leo.

She winces. It's not as if she was expecting it to be… _him_, but she did have a hope. Her heart throbs with pain. "No," she whispers. "I had a dream."

She hears a sigh. "I thought we established this last night. You weren't dreamin'."

_No. Freakin'. Way_.

She slowly turns around. Her heart almost literally stops when she sees him, just standing next to Leo like it was what she should expect. But in his eyes, she sees a glow of such love and adoration. Her throat constricts as she looks into his eyes and he smiles. She finally gets out one word. "Raph."

For the first time since that night, she says his name.

He shakes his head and grins. "You believe me now?"

Then she's running. She throws herself into his arms, wraps her arms around his neck, and buries her face into his chest as she starts to cry. "You're alive."

His arms close tightly around her. "Yes love. I'm alive." He carries her over to the bed and sits down, putting her in his lap.

She doesn't let go. Her hold around his neck doesn't loosen, and her tears don't lessen. She takes comfort with the strength that he holds her with, feeling his love for her in not being able to back away the least bit. She soaks in every sound he makes as he talks to her, and every movement he makes as he moves his hand up and strokes her hair.

They stay like that for a long time. When Lee finally starts to settle down, Raph sets her back a little and puts his hands to her face. He wipes away her tears as her hands come up to cover his. He shakes his head. "Look at you. You look sick."

She laughs a short, choked laugh. "I thought I was."

He grins. "No. Sick as in… very, very, very skinny. You look like you haven't eaten in days. And worse."

Lee grimaces. "I haven't really… been in the mood to eat," she mumbles.

Raph's mood drops. "I know," he sighs.

"You know?"

"That's… nothing you have to worry about."

"Raph…"

"At least not right now," he decides.

Lee sighs and climbs back into his lap. She tucks her head under his chin and breathes in. "Have I ever told you how good you smell?"

He chuckles. "No, actually."

"Well then. You smell really good."

"To you anyway."

"To me anyway," she agrees. She breathes in again. "I missed you," she whispers.

He groans. "Don't _do_ that. I'm already having trouble motivating myself to let you go so you can eat something."

"I'm just fine where I am," she sighs.

"From what Don tells me, you haven't eaten anythin' in almost 40 hours. That's not good."

"What? What time is it?"

"It's a little after noon. You were out a long time. Not countin' when you woke up last night," he adds with a chuckle.

"Wow," she breathes. Her eyes travel down his perfect arms wrapped around her. She studies every muscle, every scar, and stops. She moves her finger over a new one. She looks up at him with worried eyes.

He smiles down at her. "I'll tell you everything later. Promise."

She nods, not satisfied, but leaves it. She turns back to it. She looks down when she feels his hand on her lower leg. He's running his finger over a recent scar. She looks up to see him looking down at her with the same amount of worry she'd had.

She looks back down. "The fire," she finally chokes out.

She feels his chest stop moving as his finger slowly moves down the four inch, healing scar. His arms move back up to pull her closer as his head goes down on her shoulder. He presses his face into her neck. "No matter what you think, I know I did right. Even if I hadn't made it."

She sighs. "I can easily argue with that you know."

"Hmmm." It's a thinking sound.

"What?"

"Have I ever told you, _you_ smell good?"

She laughs a little. "No actually."

"Well then. You smell really good."

"To you anyway."

"Whoever says otherwise should die," he murmurs.

"Says you."

"Don't question my authority," he growls.

"Yes sir," she retorts sarcastically.

"Not _you_," he grumbles. "I have no authority over you."

"Really?" She begins to get up.

He pulls her back. "Okay. Maybe just a little." He stands up, pulling her into his arms. "Let's go get you some… lunch."

She moans. "That _really_ doesn't sound good right now."

"No arguing." He stops walking.

"So what? You have authority over me now?" she grumbles.

"Yep. I told you I have_ some_." He reaches down to her desk. He looks back to her. "Did you want to break up or something?" He holds out her necklace.

She instantly grabs the chain and throws it over her head. Her arms go around his neck tightly. "Never."

"Then I suggest you eat." He starts down the hall.

She sighs. Then her head jerks up from his shoulder. "Wait. What? Was that a _threat_?"

"Will it work?"

Her jaw drops. When she recovers, she gets out, "Yeah."

He smiles. "Then yeah. It's a threat."

"Cheater," she mumbles.

He just laughs.

* * *

**When i wrote this chapter, i thought of something. You do not expect the unexpected. You can't. If you expect it, it's expected. You can't**_ think_** of the unexpected without it **_being_** expected. You only think of what you expect to happen. So when the unexpected happens, it's always something you didn't think about. That you didn't expect. So you don't believe it. It's something you can't believe even though it's happened, or happening, or sitting right in front of you.**

**This is what influence the first four lines of this chapter.**


	8. Chapter 7

**four hints of bad words in this one. i don't like spelling them out. it feels just as bad as saying it would. i don't cuss. that's just me. anyway, chapter 7.**

**Ch. 7**

It's been a week. A week of not letting each other out of our sights for a second. Never more than ten feet away. Literally every second. And it haunts me. She panics when she can't see me. She's uneasy when she can't hear me. She does whatever she can to keep us close enough to touch. It kills me. But I don't know what to do about it.

I feel so sick when she looks at me with panic in her eyes. It twists my gut into knots. Every heartbeat becomes painful as she makes me remember what I did to her. I remember what I had watched her do. What I had heard her say. And it kills me inside. Makes me wanna make it go away. But I can't. And that hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I _had _done the right thing. What if I _had_ died? Would I really want her to live like she was before I came back?

The selfish side of me says yes. _As long as she's alive, right?_

But the broken side of me says no. _She shouldn't have had to suffer that._

But Selfish comes back saying, _Would she be alive now if you hadn't brought her home when she got sick?_

No.

_So you saved her again. You're even._

But then Broken comes back again saying, _But what if you _had_ died? She would have still went out into the rain. Would she be alive now?_

No. The sickness would have killed her because she wouldn't have been found in time. She would have died anyway.

_So she would have suffered for nothing, right?_

Right.

Now _this_ hurts me too. Because she had suffered _and _almost died because of me. She wouldn't have been found by anyone until it was too late if I wasn't alive and found her. _She'd_ be dead now too. Her nine days of suffering would have been for nothing. So… what am I sorry for? Saving her? No. Hurting her? Yes. Watching her hurt without helping her? Yes. Saving her again? No.

But now… this whole experience has left her scarred. Doubtful. Afraid. Afraid of being alone. Left again. Losing me. She is weak. Coming back, but still weak. Almost eating normal portions again. Almost back in shape. On the outside. On the _inside_ is a different story. _That _will take longer to fix.

But we've made a breakthrough tonight. She's home while I'm out here patrolling. More than the next room away for the first time in a week. Still getting back to her strong self, she had to stay home. We don't want to take any chances. She hates it though. She didn't vocalize it, but I could tell. Her eyes said it all. I could see the panic in them. And the knot inside me showed up as I walked out the door.

Alright. Half of that knot was me. I look to the time now on one of the many signs around me. Only twenty minutes. That's it. Then I can go home. Yeah. Lee isn't the only one who doesn't want the other out of their sight. Yeah. I _hate_ this. I can't protect her when I'm up here! Thanks a lot Leo! Drive me insane!

I calm myself with a deep breath, making my mind get back on track. I cuss under my breath. This is going to be a very long twenty minutes.

***

Today, for the first time in a week, Raph is more than a mile away. For the first time in a while, he's farther than the next room. I'm an absolute nervous wreck. I'm almost literally falling to pieces. But I hid it as they walked out the door. Because he needs to do what he does best. Protecting people.

It was my decision. I could have easily said no. No, I don't like it. But I don't let on. As I said, he's good at it. And he likes it. So I let him go. I'll live. Or… at least try to. I can do this. I just have to keep my mind off of him. It's gonna be hard. I can tell you that right now.

So yeah. I'm here all alone. He's not here. My mind starts to wander. It starts to play all the worst-case scenarios in my head. Everything possible that could happen. Sometimes I swear my mind hates me. That's why I usually try to block it. So that's what I do now. I get up and go to the dojo.

I get my sais and start to go through my moves. Raph bothers very little with grace and form when he fights. He's totally raw strength. I don't think about it most of the time, but Leo says it shows in me. When I need an outlet, I go to practice. But it's not rough and deadly like it can be. It's slow and thoughtful. Every move is premeditated and executed with grace. Thinking becomes key.

I don't dance. I'm just not that kind of person. In my words, "dancing is the wimpy form of fighting." Sorry to any people who dance out there. But I don't. Fighting is better. A deadly grace that can take down an enemy while radiating beauty. When slowed down, looking like a choreographed dance. When sped up, fast and deadly.

I don't do this very often. Only when I need to clear my head. To keep my mind off of what I'm trying to forget. All of my anxiety flows through me as I slowly move. Foot forward, left arm forward, right arm back as if coiled for a punch, lean forward, bringing the arm with it… I just keep going.

After a while, I feel the need to speed things up. I go through a few more slow moves. Then release. I go from 0-60 in a second. I do flips and kicks across the dojo, doing the same moves as before, only faster. Grace forgotten, but not gone. Form left behind, but still there.

I lose myself in ecstasy as I let myself go. I finally come back to myself in a split second as I suddenly stop, landing in a crouch position with my arms spread apart after swinging them open as if to slash someone. I catch my breath as my head lowers. I let myself fall backwards. I don't land on the floor.

As his arms go around me, I push myself up under his chin and pull myself the rest of the way into his lap. I turn my head up to breathe in his smell as he kisses my forehead. I can hear a low growling sound deep in his chest as he buries his face in my hair and breathes in. I love that sound.

After a while, he talks. "Do you have _any_ idea how beautiful you are?" he murmurs in his deep, gravely voice. Almost a growl. "Even when you're in pain."

"In pain?" I ask, not moving from my currently amazing spot.

"I can see every sparkle of pain that shines in your eyes. Every wave that radiates off of your beautiful body. Every move filled with grace is drenched in pain."

"Anxiety," I correct.

"No. Pain." I hear a firmness in his voice. "I can see it. We ain't doin' this anymore."

"What?"

"I'm not leavin' without you anymore."

"Raph, it's okay. Besides, Leo wants you up there," I try to reason. My heart just starts cursing at me.

"F*** Leo."

I flinch and look up at him. He never cusses at me. Can he really see me that clearly? How bad it really is?

He looks down at me. I can see the way he tries to calm himself. "I don't care what Leo says. I _know_ you'd be safer with me than down here all by yourself."

I move out of his arms and kneel in front of him, taking his hands. "I'm perfectly safe down here."

He looks into my eyes. "That's not what I mean."

I tilt my head, confused.

"I know what you're feeling Lee. I feel it too. The fear. The anxiety. Everything you feel when I leave. When we can't see each other."

"Raph, it's okay. It's not that bad. I can take it."

I see his jaw clench as he stands up. I know by now that means he wants to punch something. He just wouldn't dare touch me. After walking away a few steps, he turns around. "I know why you're doin' this."

My patience starts to waver. "Oh yeah? Why?"

"You're still blamin' yourself! You think if something happens up there without you then I'd be safer than if you were there!"

I don't reply. He's right. Who's to say something can't go wrong down here? And if it does, I won't be able to help much right now.

"Well guess what! It's worse if you're _not_ there! I can't stand the thought that you aren't with me where I can protect you!"

I stand up. "You think I _like_ staying here?! I don't like staying without you either! But I'm not going to _kill_ you again!"

He freezes. "_What?"_ Then he snaps. "That wasn't your f****** fault!"

"Whether it was _my_ fault or not, you came in for _me_! That's _not_ going to happen again!"

He walks towards me. I feel like shrinking away, but I know that would hurt him more than anything else. So I stand firm. I hide my fear with defiance. He looks down at me, almost glaring. "I'd rather die a million deaths than watch _you_ die, knowing _I _could prevent it," he growls.

"Same here," I retort.

His hands clench into fists. He spins around and walks away again, dealing a swing to his punching bag before turning back to me. "Why don't you just f****** admit it d*****?!"

"I can't lose you again!" I scream. Tears well up in my eyes. "I just can't," comes out in a quiet whisper.

He growls, rubbing his hand across his face when he sees my tears. His shoulders slump and his arms fall to his sides. "I know whatchya mean." We look at each other. "I can't hurt you again. Even the small act of leaving you for a few hours. I… I just can't."

Then it hits me. I've been so selfish. I didn't even think about how Raph feels about this. About how all that time I thought he was dead. How he feels when he sees my anxiety. I suddenly feel horrible.

I walk up to him as he sits down, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. I kneel next to him and put a hand to his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I was so selfish. I didn't even think about how you felt."

He looks up at me. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. And cussed you out."

I smile. "Yeah. That was a first."

He grins some.


	9. Chapter 8

**woo!! no more school for a while!!! wow. it was about a year ago that i started writing. **

**Ch. 8**

Leo walks through the door to the lair a few minutes after the others. When he goes through the door, he is bombarded by Mikey.

"Leo!"

He sighs. "What now Mikey? Couldn't you keep Raph from attacking you for _three_ minutes until I got back?"

He skids to a stop in front of me. "No, that's not it! Well, it is, but it's not. It's Raph, but it's not me. It's…"

"Spit it out Mike!"

"It's Raph and Lee!"

"What?!" _That's new._

"Yeah. It's getting pretty freaky in there."

Leo sprints to the dojo after hearing raised voices and the very distinct sound of Raph cussing. He stops outside the door, assessing the situation. He tenses up, seeing Raph stalk up to Lee. He knows Raph. But he doesn't know if his control is stronger for Lee or not. So he's ready.

"I'd rather die a million deaths than watch _you _die, knowing _I_ could prevent it."

"Same here."

_Wow. She's brave to be able to stare Raph in the eye and defy him when he's like this._

Leo watches as Raph punches his punching bag, taking note on his control. "Why don't you just f###### admit it d#####?!" He raises his eyebrows as his guesses from earlier are confirmed.

"I can't lose you again!" she screams. "I just can't." Leo flinches, hearing _that_ voice again. Her pained, defeated voice. He suddenly realizes, that it's not a good idea bringing Raph with them. He should stay behind with Lee.

He watches as Raph deflates. He turns to Mike who's standing a few feet away. "It's okay Mike," he murmurs. "It's actually a fight of concerns."

Mike nods and leaves, walking away with a sigh of relief.

Leo turns back to the two in the dojo. He watches as Lee walks up to Raph. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think about how you felt."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. And cussed you out."

"Yeah, that was a first," Lee answers.

Leo makes himself known. "So was apologizing."

Lee and Raph both look to him. "Oh. Umm, hi Leo," Lee says.

He grins back. "A few questions. One. How come you can't control yourself with me?!" he asks Raph accusingly.

Raph grins. "You aren't breakable."

"I'm not breakable!" Lee wines.

Leo and Raph just laugh. "Two. _Why _exactly… were you two screaming at each other? It was obvious it was out of concern. That's better than a hate fight. But still…"

Raph pulls Lee into his lap as Lee replies. "We're not separating again. I…" she looks up at Raph, "_we_ can't take it."

Leo nods. "I kind of expected that. I didn't think you'd go for each other's throats though."

Lee and Raph laugh. "It wasn't really that bad," Lee says smiling.

"It was all out of concern," Raph puts in.

Leo nods, smiling. "I know. Oh. And three. Lee…" He tries to find the right words. "How the _heck_ did you not get scared when Raph looked down on you like that?"

Raph growls at him, but there's a small bit of a guilty look in his eyes.

Lee only smiles. "He wouldn't _dare_ touch me."

Raph chokes a small laugh. "Yeah. Because you'd rip my head off right?"

Lee glares at him. "I would if I wanted to."

"I believe her," Leo comments.

"I do too," Raph mumbles, standing up.

"And I'm not breakable," Lee mumbles.

"Whatever you say sweetheart."

Lee sighs. She'll let this one go today.

***

He kisses her tears away. Again. Another night, another nightmare. She still sees the fire. Though the dreams are getting farther and farther apart, they're still just as strong. Some nights are worse than others. Tonight is one of those nights. Nothing he does can calm her down.

She clings to him. Her hands grip his arms or shoulders strong enough to almost bruise. She shakes in his arms, crying continuously. Nothing he says can stop her tears. He soon begins to fear that she's having a breakdown. But he can't leave her to get Don. Because even if he could get out of her grip, he wouldn't have the heart to leave her.

After a sudden kiss that seems to calm her a little, he gets an idea. It works. After a while she begins to calm down. Well… stop crying anyway. He reassures her he's still there the only way he knows how. And when she's finally falling back to sleep, exhausted in his arms, he lets a single tear roll down his cheek under the cover of darkness . Because he knows it's his fault she's like this in the first place.

***

She wakes up with her legs tangled with his, pressed as close as possible, his arms tightly around her. She looks up to him to see him already awake. She stretches to kiss his jaw and smiles a soft smile up at him when he looks down to her. But it fades when she looks into his eyes.

Even though he looks down with a small smile, she sees the pain behind it. It's impossible for him to pass off a fake feeling. She sees right through him. And right now, she frowns, putting her hand up to his face, evaluating every speck of light in his eyes.

"What's wrong Raphie?"

He sighs. She used 'Raphie'. She can see. He knew she'd see. Even though he hid the tears, she still sees the evidence in his eyes. He still tries to pass it off as nothing. "Nothing sweetheart."

She rubs his cheek with the hand that's already there. "Raph. Tell me what's wrong. Please. I want to know."

He sighs, closing his eyes. "I just… hate to see you cry like that and know that… it's because of me."

She pulls his face down to her and kisses him. "It's not your fault that I still have those dreams."

"But it's my fault you have them in the first place."

She shakes her head. "No it's not. It's just my worst fear playing out for me."

He squeezes his eyes shut. She hit a chord. He had said that to her the first time she was having a dream and said it could mean something. He presses his forehead hard against hers. "Maybe if you heard how I got out it would make it more real to you that I'm back. I… I have to tell you what happened. All of it."

"Of course," she whispers soothingly.

He sits up, pulling her with him. "C'mon. Get dressed. I have to tell all of you."

Lee nods, knowing what he means. That he's been thinking how much it didn't just affect her, but effected his brothers as well. She gets dressed, taking his hand as he opens the door. When he looks down at her, she smiles up at him. "I love you."

He smiles softly. "I love you too." He kisses her as they go out.

They go downstairs and get everyone to gather in the living room. They're soon all sitting around him with worried faces.

"I know you've all been wonderin' what happened."

* * *

**Next chapter is gonna be in Raph's POV. maybe the next two. this story's gettin longer than i thought it would. oh well. i have plenty of time.**


	10. Chapter 9

**thanks to summer, i have forever to type. **

**Ch. 9**

**Raph's POV**

I look at the burning building in front of me. The only thing standing between me, and my girl. There's no way in. But I'm not gonna let that stop me. I take a few steps away from the door.

"Raph, no! You can't go back in there!"

I turn to Leo. "R'you suggesting I let her burn alive in there?" I say it in such a deep voice, the tone even surprises me.

No one answers. I new that'd get 'em. They love her almost as much as I do. Almost. And they know that loving her the most gives me the best chance at getting her out. Because I'll do anything to do that.

"That's what I thought." I turn back to the door and take a stance. Then I take off towards the door. I crash through it, ducking into a roll. When I come up, I see Lee, her leg pinned under a beam from the roof.

She's wearing a face of shock when I look to her. I can tell she doesn't approve before she even speaks. "No! Raph, why are you back?!"

"I'm not leaving you!"

"No! Get out of here!" She struggles to get the burning beam off of her leg. I can see that it's not going to move. I start towards her. "Raph…!"

I crouch down next to her. "No," I growl, staring into her eyes. I see her breath catch. I watch the flames dance in her eyes before I look away to lift the beam. I ignore the stinging in my hands as the flaming wood burns them. I grit my teeth as I struggle to lift the beam.

When I get it up enough for her to get out, she scrambles out from under it. I drop it, letting it hit the ground. I help her stand and start running after her as she grabs my hand. We start running toward the exit together. We're going to make it.

"Whatever happens, just keep running! I'll be right behind you!" I call from behind her. She doesn't respond, but I can tell she's having trouble breathing. I debate on just sweeping her into my arms.

When we see the door, she starts to run faster. Another beam crashes down from the ceiling. She lets go of my hand as I jump back before it lands on me. It blocks my way. "Keep going!" I yell. She does. She keeps running. She's trusting me. She's trusting that I'm behind her. I feel a pang of guilt from that, but it's short lived as another beam comes crashing down in front of me. I'm trapped.

In a split second, I realize that I may not make it. That I told her to keep running, though I'm not going to make it out myself. Maybe. Though I hope I get out. I don't really want to leave her alone. She gets into enough trouble _with_ me. _Without_ me is a scary thought. Another thought runs through my head. She's going to hate me for this.

I look around. The smoke is getting so thick, it's hard to see very far away. I start walking towards the direction I know is the nearest wall. When I get there, I start to feel my way along it with my finger tips. Suddenly, there's a difference. I feel around and find a doorknob. A door!

I open it, ignoring the scorching feeling of the knob. I find myself in front of a staircase heading down. I curse. I don't want to go down. But I have to. Because right now, the building begins to creak. I go through the door and close it, right before I hear the building collapse.

I go down the stairs to the basement door at the bottom, feeling my way along in the dark. I open the door and immediately close it again. The freakin' building fell to the basement! I punch the wall in my anger. Great. They probably think I'm dead. I sit down on the stairs. This is just great. Looks like I'm gonna be here for a while.

***

It's been about eight hours. I think. I just know I've been in this staircase for a long time. It's become quiet recently. They must have been watering the building down. I think it's safe to get out of here. So that's what I do now. I make my way up the staircase, take my sais, and start punching away at the debris that fell after more of the building burned.

I eventually make a hole big enough to stick my head up through. I'm very cautious. I take a 360 on my surroundings and after declaring it's safe, continue making a hole big enough to get through. I eventually climb out and sit in the rubble of the building. I flex my hands and pull the bigger splinters out of my knuckles. It's a good thing most of the wood was already soft.

I eventually push myself to my feet. My stomach growls as I begin walking in the direction I know is home. I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday. I'm never leaving home without eating again. I've always been the second biggest eater. Second to Mike of course. But it's because I'm always using it. I don't exactly sit still very often.

To get my mind off of my stomach and burns, I start evaluating how long it'll take to get home. And what I'm going to tell Lee. God she's going to freak. I hope she's okay. That beam that fell on her leg was pretty heavy. I hope it didn't break anything. I wonder if the others are okay. Shell. Did they try to come in for me? No. Leo's not _that_ stupid.

I start thinking about my surroundings. I wonder if there's anyone-

Blackness.

***

Ouch. My head hurts. What the _heck_ was that?

I open my eyes to a white ceiling. I turn to my side, groaning from the protests of my aching muscles and the headache that is currently pounding me in the head. I get myself to my hands and knees and sit back on my feet, looking around. I growl to myself at the all too familiar, yet new, setting.

A plain, white, sterilized cell. I'm being held captive. Again. The room is remotely empty, filled only with a bed. And… a T.V.? A very big T.V. I'll worry about that later though. Great. Now my family's really going to think I'm dead. Just freakin' great. I need to get home to Lee! To my brothers! Why did this have to happen now?

There's a buzzing sound, and the lock clicks on the door. Great. Automatic locks. No getting out of this one. In walks a figure, clothed in black. I've seen this guy before. Somewhere. But where, I can't remember. Not with a freakin' headache slowly pounding my brains into mush.

"Do you know why you're here?"

I glare. "No, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me."

He chuckles darkly. "You will think wiser about what you say later, if you do not now."

I scowl at him.

"You are here because I want you here. Because keeping you here will hurt you more than killing you. Though both would hurt your family."

I push myself to my feet. "What does my family have to do with this?"

"You will find out in time. But I can tell you one thing. The girl is one heck of a fighter. I've never seen so many men… _slaughtered_ so quickly before."

I growl. "She would _never_ do that."

"Wouldn't she?"

"No."

He chuckles. "I fear you don't know her as well as you think you do."

He pushes a button on a remote. I see a room, filled with bodies. And blood. He rewinds what I assume is a tape recording to reveal the one who caused this. I can't believe what I see. I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it. Because she's never done anything like this before.

As the video plays backwards, the scene is retold. But it goes back so fast, he pushes play very soon. And then it plays forward. I watch as my bike crashes through the window. And… runs over many of them before she gets off and starts going at them. As soon as they get to her, they're hitting the ground. I can't believe it.

As I watch, the numbers dwindle. Rapidly. She becomes covered in blood. She moves so fast. And I don't believe how she just keeps going. How she doesn't tire. And suddenly, she's in another room and the camera switches to another, showing her fighting what seem to be the remaining… about 30 men.

I flinch as she lets out an animalistic scream and goes into a rage. My eyes widen when I see Leo show up in the doorway to that room. I see him pause and stare at what he sees and I realize that he just got there. Lee is truly on her own in this. She's gone insane. This is the first time I've ever seen her like this.

When someone takes a sword across her back, she lets out another scream before she totally lets loose. They're all dead so fast, I can hardly process it. And then she has one by the throat and throws him against a wall. I go numb as I hear her voice. It's so dark and hateful that I can't match it to her face. This can't be my Lee.

Then she cusses. That's when I really start to not believe this. Because that's just not what she does. It's not her. But when you take the words in their contexts, I realize it has to be her. Because they're said in pain. I find out it was his fault she didn't get out. His fault that she was trapped inside which caused me to get trapped inside. And she thinks I'm dead. That's why she's acting like this.

I look away, not wanting to see how she kills him. Not wanting to see all that she does to him before she finally puts him out of his misery. I don't want to picture her like that. I listen to the last words she says to him. And I realize I now know what extreme pain in her heart does to her. It makes her crazy.

I look back only when I'm sure he's dead. I see the katana buried in his throat, and try not to see all of the other ravagings of his body. I watch as Leo approaches her with such caution, you'd think he were approaching a rabid animal. I silently plead with Leo to leave her alone for a moment. But I know that he's looking into her eyes and I'm not. He judges her correctly.

When the katanas drop from her hands, she becomes the girl I know and love. She starts to cry. I silently thank Leo as he picks her up, carrying her away as he rubs her back and talks to her in his most soothing voice, trying to calm her in any way he can. But I can't get the feeling out of my gut that this was a new side to her that may come up again.

The man turns to me. "Believe me now?"

I don't answer. I just keep staring at the screen, paused on the picture of Leo carrying her out of the room. I don't want to believe that that was her. She's better than that. But I saw it. It was her. She did that. Without mercy. And it scares me. Because what's to stop that from happening again?

"Let me show you something else." The screen switches to another view. A picture taken from another camera. And it zooms in closer and closer to her face. The pixels keep fixing themselves into clearer images. It keeps zooming in until it's right at her face.

I feel like someone punched me in the gut. I can only stare at what I see. Her eyes. I've never seen anything like it. They're orange. So close to red. How is that possible? What has happened to her? This is totally new to me. And it shows how mad she really is. I can't catch my breath. Because I realize I'm doing this to her. Because she thinks I'm dead.

***

"_The men who watched this tape thought she was a demon. This only confirmed it for them."_

_I growl. "She's not a demon."_

"_Oh, but I think she's becoming one."_

_It takes all I have to not lunge at his throat._

He does not tell her that. It would make her feel worse. She's already crying. He wraps his arms around her as she cries into his shoulder. Finding out how he escaped the fire made him being alive real for her. And the guilt from killing all of those men comes back to her when she's told how bad it really was. He didn't know it would affect her so much. He holds her as she lets out some tears that she really needed to finally lose.

She begins to wipe them away a few minutes later. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay sweetheart."

She composes herself and lays against him again, closing her eyes. "Keep going."

"Keep going?"

"What happened while you were there?"

He grimaces. _I guess I'll have to tell them the whole story_. Leo eyes him when he notices Raph's face. The other two do too. So he continues.


	11. Chapter 10

**i have never realized how much i could get done when i'm not at school. I am already halfway through the next chapter. here's this one. There will be other pov's on other stuff later. **

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**Ch. 10**

**Raph's POV continued.**

I've finally figured out who the guy is. He used to be one of the higher leaders of the purple dragons. That would explain a lot. And he's obviously got it in for my family and takes pleasure in torturing us in a way that is not the ordinary.

It's been two days. Day three since I've been 'dead'. I want to get out of here. I _need_ to get out of here. To get to Lee. Because I'm worried about her. What I've seen. What she's done. None of it's her. She doesn't do this stuff. I need to get to her. Because she needs me. More than I've ever known.

The first day, I saw her kill many men. Since then, I've realized that this is what the T.V. is for. A new type of torture that goes for your heart rather than your body. And torture it is. Because I can't stand watching her and not being able to be there for her. Knowing that it's all my fault in the first place.

She's not eating. As much as my brothers try, she won't eat. She hasn't eaten in three days. Since before we left for the purple dragon building. I'm worried. She's going to kill herself. Is that what she's trying for? But… she promised she wouldn't. Has she forgotten? Or does she just not care anymore?

I can't take this. But as much as I try to not watch what's on the screen, I find myself looking back time and again. Because I have to keep an eye on her. I'm afraid she'll go ballistic. And I have no idea what that will entail.

***

They've gotten her to eat! Mikey got her to eat! I love him! I have never loved him more than I do now! She's eating! I can't keep the grin from spreading across my face. Mikey did good. I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but whatever he said got her to respond. Thank you Mikey.

I sigh an internal sigh of relief. She's eating. She's going to be okay. She's not trying to kill herself. I'll find a way out of here eventually. And I'll get to her. I'll let her know I'm alive. But until then, she's eating. Thank God she's eating.

***

I don't know what to say. I think she's finally lost it. She just started throwing a fit. She just… snapped. I can't believe she's trying to do this. That she's trying to wreck our room. Thank God Leo was in there or it would have been in pieces by now. She would have torn everything to pieces. And probably hurt herself too.

She just walked into the room, took a look around, and lost it when her eyes rested on the hammock. I can't believe this. She can't stand seeing reminders of me? This is bad. I never knew she'd act like this if I died. She was right when she didn't know what she'd do without me. None of us did. And now I know that she needs me more than I thought.

He's holding her. Calling to Don. And here he is. Yep. I knew he'd do that. Give her a shot. Catch her Leo! Good. He's got her. Now he's carrying her out. But… what now? What are they going to do?

I watch Leo walk back into the room and sit on the bed. He runs a hand over his face. Done comes in too. He sits next to Leo and puts an arm around him. I have never seen Leo so drained. But right now, he looks ready to cry. That's definitely a first.

"Why Don? Why did this have to happen?"

He sighs. "I don't know Leo. I don't know why. But things happen. And right now… we have to do what we can to get through this. Because Lee needs us."

It's quiet for a while. Then, "What do we do with the room Don?"

"I've been thinking about that. I think we'll have to hang up sheets along where there used to be a wall. And put everything… Raph-like on that side."

Leo stands up, rubbing his temples. "Thanks for not saying we have to clean it out."

Don sighs. "I'm not ready for that either." He stands up and walks over to Leo, putting a hand to his shoulder. "It's okay to cry Leo."

He sighs. "I don't want to Donnie. Because if I do, I won't be able to stop."

"That's fine Leo. You need to let it come sometime."

He shakes his head. "I can't. Not until she does."

Don sighs. "C'mon. Let's get this room ready before she wakes up."

Leo nods as they both leave the room.

I watch them take every picture, every belonging, and anything else that would remind Lee of me to what used to be my room after hanging up sheets in between them. Nothing on my side gets touched. And what they take over is put into my hammock. I sigh, finally looking away from the T.V.

I hate this. Leo's right. Why did this have to happen? Why does she have to think I'm dead? Why do they have to suffer like this? I should be with them. But I'm trapped here. And I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. How do I get out of here? I _have_ to get out of here. Planning starts today.

***

The T.V. is split in six different parts. Showing Lee, Mikey, Leo, and Donnie's rooms, the living room and kitchen, and the dojo. How he got the cameras into the lair is what I will never know. But I know one thing. When I get out of here, every one of them are going to be destroyed. That is, _if _I ever get out of here.

I haven't been able to sleep much. Apparently neither has Leo. He's never sleeping. Maybe a few hours at most a night. Me? About the same or even less. I'm waiting. I know it's going to happen. Because she does that. As much as I hope it won't, I know it's going to happen.

I wince now as she cries out. There it is. Night four. She finally had a nightmare. I sit up to look at the T.V. I see Leo going to her room. He sits down on her bed as she finally wakes up, crying out my name. He pulls her into his arms as she starts to cry, offering her the comfort I can't give her.

My eyes tear up. I hate this. I want to comfort her. She needs me. _I_ need_ her_. I miss her. I want to see her. I want to hold her in my arms and tell her it's okay. I want to be the one wiping away her tears. I want to be able to tell her, her nightmares are nothing to fear. But I can't. Because I'm stuck here still.

I want to punch the T.V. But I can't. Because then I won't be able to watch her. To check on her. So I punch the wall instead. I do it again. And again. I collapse on the edge of the bed, letting my head fall into my hands. I have to get out of here. But how?

***

Another nightmare tonight. Leo shed a few tears. But I think he still needs to cry more. Though I never knew he cared this much for me, I can tell this is hurting him as much as it's hurting Lee. I'll never be the one to criticize him about not caring ever again.

Nothing else new. Still tryen to figure out how I'm gonna get outta here. One thing for sure, I will never be able to express my gratitude to my brothers for keeping Lee from falling apart. She seems worse.

I haven't seen her do, wear, or look at anything that has even the most remote sense of me about it. I see her wince at things from time to time. But I haven't heard her talk. Besides the occasional cry of my name after her nightmares. I'm worried. She's going to deteriorate.

***

She had another break down this morning. She left her room and I got worried for a while when she didn't show up anywhere. Then I saw her walk into the living room towards the kitchen. Her hair is shorter. It's not that I don't like it. But I don't like the reason for it.

It doesn't look bad. But it's on the border of looking careless. It barely passes as layered. It falls over her shoulders as she absently eats her breakfast. I can tell she doesn't really care if she eats or not. But she does anyway. Because they want her to. And Mike… he drifts off to the couch.

He flips through the channels before turning the T.V. back of and just looking off into space. I watch as Lee walks over and puts a hand to his shoulder. He leans back and she sits down next to him, leaning on his shoulder. He pulls her into his arms and hugs her. She starts to cry.

My eyes start to water as I watch him hold her to him. Rocks her back and forth though crying himself. That's Mikey for ya. Always tryen to cheer someone up even though he's not happy himself. And I realize now, that I miss him too.

I miss his smile that I haven't seen since the morning before the fire. I miss his happiness. The way he seemed to rub off on me while annoying me at the same time. I miss his spastic nature. I want to see him like that again. But I can't. Not until I get home and show him I'm okay. I love Mikey. And I want to see him happy again.

***

Another nightmare. This is getting out of hand. Every night. She doesn't get more than 5 hours of sleep. This time it's bad. She's coughing. I watch her struggle to breathe as she uncovers herself and leans over, tears beginning to stream down her face. Then Don comes it.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I will never be able to thank my brothers for helping her. Right now, Don pulls her into his arms and tucks her head under his chin, giving her the tight hold she needs to calm down.

The conversation that follows breaks me down. Completely. And I know why Don made no move to stop me from going into the building. Because he could read me perfectly. And he knew it would be no use. But he also wanted his 'sister' safe. But I understand now, that he almost regrets not stopping me.

I listen to him try to comfort her. And asks her if they could have her because they don't have me. I see her look to him before going back into his secure hold. I wonder what she'll do now.

***

I'm getting hungry. I wasn't hungry a few days ago when I didn't eat. Then Lee started eating again, so I let myself start to eat. But now they don't feed me much anymore. Seems like they're trying to slowly kill me.

And they've also turned to physical abuse starting last night. I killed one of their guys yesterday that thought he could get away with punching me. Almost made it out the door. Got punished for tryen to escape. My shoulders ache. Though it was nothing worse than I've had before.

It's day six here. Seven since I've been 'dead'. I'm watching Don today. No one else is doing much. I'm touched by what he's doing. He's fixing the shell cycle. Fixing what I wanted us to fix a long time ago. Even though I'm 'dead'. And I have another epiphany. I love Donnie too.

I miss him. I miss the small things about him. I miss his soft and chastising smile he used to give me when I bugged him or came in with another wound needing stitches. Especially if he saw that I tried to do them myself. I miss the way he would rub his temples when he'd get annoyed with what he's doing. And the way he always had to have his coffee in the morning.

I chuckle to myself now. He still does. I wake up to the sound of him getting up and turning on the coffee matching every morning. Right now I'm listening to him working very roughly with the tool he has in his hand. I frown. He's upset. What's wrong? Wait. That was a stupid question.

I see his shoulders shake a little and look to other rooms to see if everyone else is okay, not really wanting to see him cry. I don't see Lee anywhere. Until I see her show up in the dojo where Don had wheeled in the bike to work on it, wanting to be near Lee in case something happens.

She must have some way of knowing when someone else is upset. She's always there for them. I've never seen them cry alone. Except for the middle of the night. But again, she walks up to Don, putting a hand on his shoulder. I'm shocked when she talks.

"Don." That's all she says. Just his name.

His head falls as he sighs. "I'm fixing what he wanted us to fix a while ago." I grimace. He had said 'us'.

She rubs his shoulder. "I know," she barely chokes out in a quiet whisper.

Then I see Don do something I've only seen him do once before. He throws what he has in his hand so hard, it hits the wall on the other side of the room, making a dent in it. Then he turns to Lee and pulls her into his arms as he starts to cry. I fall back onto the bed, rubbing a hand across my face. I'm sorry Donnie. God I'm sorry. But don't worry. I'm coming home. Eventually.

***

Day eight since I've been 'dead'. Lee's acting better. But I don't like it. It's not right. Why is she doing what she's doing? Why is she acting like she's okay? That's not good. What if they stop watching her? I don't like this one bit.

She made breakfast this morning. And she talked some. But as I said. I don't like the change. Especially since I saw her before Mike came in when she had woken up. She hugged my pillow, slightly crying into it for a while. But nothing to help much. She still hasn't had a good cry.

I'm going to try to get out again. They're coming in and trying to put me down more often. And I don't like being attacked for no reason. I'm gonna get out. And when I do, they'll be sorry.


	12. Chapter 11

**didn't sleep much last night. it was storming a little. was up late and woke up early. Did a lot of typing. finishing up Raph's story, and Leo's thoughts. next will be Mikey and Donnie. i don't really know if that'll be the last chapter or not.**

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**Ch. 11**

"How did you get out?" she asks softly.

He kisses the top of her head. "No one can keep me away from you for too long with just electronic locks."

Leo chuckles lightly. "No one can keep you away from her period. They kill you, and you just come back to life."

Raph smile softly at him. "Because I don't leave my family when they need me."

***  
Raph's POV

I watch her lay in her bed, scratching another tally into her bedpost. Why does she do that? It just makes her more sad. She rolls from side to side for a while before finally going to sleep. I can tell she doesn't want to. She knows there's going to be another nightmare.

So I stay up. I wait for it. Because even though I'm not there to comfort her, I'm still there for her at heart. She won't be alone.

***

She wakes up breathing hard. I watch her sit there for a while, not doing anything. I can tell she's trying to process something. But what? I don't really know. Then she just starts bawling.

My heart breaks as I watch her lean over as if in pain, a hand going to her stomach and the other to her heart. She can't breathe. Why can't she breath?! I can hear her trying to draw air into her lungs. It's not working. No! NO! Where's help when you need it? Leo? Don? Mike? Anyone!

Then her door opens. Relief overwhelms me as Leo runs to her. She grabs his arm with the hand that was over her stomach. The other one stays firmly over her heart. What happened? How come this just suddenly started? Why is she having trouble breathing? Help her Leo!

I see him turn to leave, but is not let go by Lee. He turns back. "I'm just going to get Don."

She takes a few shaky breaths. "Don't leave me. Please." My breath hitches at the sound of her voice. So desperate.

"Okay. Shhh. It's okay. I won't leave you. I promise." He pulls her into his arms and rocks her back and forth as she shakes. He stays with her, always rocking her back and forth, as she cries for more than an hour. When she finally stops, he leans back and takes her face into his hands. He wipes away the tears. "Lee. What's wrong?"

Yes Lee. What's wrong?

"It… it's my fault. I killed him. He's dead because of me Leo. It's all my fault. I killed him." Her words are just a whisper. It's as if she has no voice. Just the air to speak.

My heart stops. Did she just say _she_ killed me? That it was _her_ fault? No. Even if I was dead. It wasn't her fault! How could she think that?!

"No. Lee, no. Don't you _dare_ blame that on yourself." Leo grips her shoulders and shakes her. "There is no reason that his death was your fault."

"I screwed it up." She begins to cry again. "I… I took too long... to get to the generator," she says between sobs. "If I had gotten to it… sooner, the electricity from the lightning… wouldn't have been able to travel to the others. The fire would have been smaller to start with… and we would've all gotten out."

I don't wait to hear anymore. As the door opens and that… _monster's _guards walk in, I want to rip out their throats. I have to get past them to get to who I really want. So that's what I do. I have no weapons. But I don't need them. My fists are enough. I'm mad. I'm getting out of here. And this b****** is going to die.

I let my hate take over. They made my girl think she killed me. That's just not tolerable. I'm through just sitting here. I'm getting out and going home, or actually going to die trying. I'm not going to take anymore of this.

I make it past them easily. I go down a hall, fighting off more guards on my way. I see my sais in another room through a window in the door. I go in and grab them before heading towards where the guards are coming from. He's this way somewhere. And when I get to him, he's going to pay.

I eventually find him. He just turns to me and stares me down for a long time. I gather my hatred towards him as I wait for him to move. When he doesn't, I do. And I go at him with all I've got, taking precise aims. I want him dead. I'm going to do what I can to do that quickly so I can go home.

He gets a few hits to me. But nothing more than a bruise or two and a single cut to the arm. Then I go back at him. I growl under my breath. I'm done playing games. I go at him harder. I get a few hits in before I see the perfect moment to bring him to the ground. Literally. His feet are taken out from under him and his back hits the ground with a hard thud.

I don't hesitate. I drive my blade into his chest. He opens his mouth to say something, but it doesn't come out. My eyes narrow. I growl again, driving the sai deeper. He eventually lays still. I unclench my teeth as I yank out my sai and turn away. It's time to go home. I've been gone long enough.

***

"He's dead?"

"Yes sweetheart. He's dead. He'll never hurt us again." Raph holds her to him as she gets comfortable in his lap. "I promise."

"I'll tell you what Raph. You picked a good time to get out. You saved Lee again when you found her in the rain." Don shakes his head. "Talk about perfect time, perfect place."

Raph chuckles. "I would have heard her a mile away. She was screamin' her lungs out." He rubs his cheek against her head. "I've never heard her so angry with me."

Lee cringes. "Sorry."

He smiles softly. "It's okay sweetheart. I don't really blame you."

"So you found me up there. Then you brought me home. What was the guys' reactions? They couldn't have just accepted the fact that you walked right through the front door when you're supposed to be dead."

He chuckles. "That's something they'll each have to tell you in their own words."

Lee looks to them. "So what happened?"

***  
Leo's POV

Lee's gone. Again. I swear. She's going to give me… many medical problems Donnie keeps saying she's going to give me. What Donnie calls my 'worry level', just rose 100%. I've been getting increasingly worried about her, so when she disappears, I don't take that as a good sign. But I know she needs to be alone. Maybe she's getting better. Needs alone time. So I don't go look for her immediately.

Twenty minutes later, I'm still pacing. I'm about to go out the door and look for her when it opens. I sigh before turning around. Oh. My. God. I don't see what I expect to see. I have never been more scared and shocked and… thrown off as I am right now. But I can't think about what I see. Because I see who he has cradled in his arms.

I push away my fear and run to him as he walks in the door. "Is she okay?"

He shakes his head. "She feels hot. I think she's gettin' sick."

When he talks, I feel my heart lift. I'm less able to believe he's an apparition now. He has to be real. "Donnie!"

When he comes to the top of the stairs, he freezes. I see him stop breathing. His hands grip the railing as he leans on it to support himself. He lets his head fall between his arms as he tries to get a hold of himself. I let him get himself back together before trying to pull him out of his confusion.

"Donnie! Focus! Lee's sick. Feels like a fever. Help us!"

He composes himself and somehow makes it down the stairs to take Lee gingerly from Raph's arms, being careful not to touch him, and running up the stairs. I stop Raph before he can follow.

"Raph? Is it really you?"

And I can't believe what he does. He _hugs_ me. _Raph_ _hugs_ me! He pulls back with a crooked smile. "I couldn't just leave you guys to fend for yourselves now could I? I just ran into some complications."

I stare at him for a few more seconds before pulling him back into my arms. And I cry. I let a few tears escape. Because he's back. My brother's back. Thank God he's not dead. He's not dead. "You're not dead."

He chuckles, rubbing my shell. "No Leo. I'm not dead."

I pull back. "Sorry." I wipe away the small tears from my eyes.

"S'okay bro. S'okay." He puts his arm around me. "C'mon. Let's go help Don and see if we can get his heart started again."

I chuckle. "After we get Lee settled."

He nods as we go into Lee's room. He starts to shake and I realize that he's wet too. Then Mikey runs in and almost passes out at what he sees while Don turns to us. He sees Raph shiver. "Leo, wrap him up. Mikey, get more blankets. She feels like she has a fever."

Mike nods hesitantly and runs out of the room. I think he's shaking. I put a blanket around Raph as he sits down and wait for him to come back. When he does, he runs right to Don, not looking over to where we are, who takes the blankets and covers Lee up. I walk up to him as Don takes out the thermometer.

He sighs. "Her temperature is at 103 and rising."

Raph's head shoots up from where he was leaning over his knees. "That's bad isn't it?"

Don looks at him as if just remembering he's there. He nods, putting it back.

Mikey looks on in shock too. Neither of them seem to be able to believe what they see. Raph eyes Don for a while as Don looks back at him. Before I can do anything though, Raph opens his arms. "Come'ere Donnie."

I don't even see him move. One second he's by the bed, the next he's in Raph's arms bawling his eyes out. He buries his face in Raph's neck and cries as Raph wraps his arms around him and holds him tight, telling him it's okay over and over again.

When Don finally gets a hold of himself, he pulls back. "You okay?"

Raph smiles. "Never better Donnie boy." Then he looks to Mike. He opens his arms again. "How 'bout you Mikey."

Mike doesn't move. His eyes fill with tears and he shakes his head. Raph stands up and walks to him. Mike backs up as he comes forward. "You're… dead." It comes out in a quiet whisper.

Raph stops in front of him. "No Mikey. I'm not. I'm alive. I got out Mikey."

He just stares with his blue eyes sparkling with tears for the longest time. Then he tentatively reaches out to touch him. When he feels Raph's arms go around him, he lets go. Suddenly it's all Raph can do to keep Mikey from squishing him. He tucks his head under his chin and holds it to his chest.

"It's okay Mikey. I'm here now. It's okay."

"Don't leave anymore, okay?"

"Okay Mikey. Okay. I ain't goin' anywhere. I ain't goin' anywhere Mikey."

Eventually Mike stands back, wiping away his tears, nodding an okay.

I have drifted closer to Lee. I check the thermometer. I curse under my breath. "Don! It's almost to 105!"

Don curses too. "Washcloth and cold water. Now!"

Mike and Raph run out and are back within seconds. They hand the things to Don who gets to work trying to keep her temperature from rising anymore. We do all we can. When she starts shivering, we put the other blankets on her. We are eventually at a loss for what to do.

Don leans his head against the wall from his position on the floor. "All we can do is wait for the fever to break."

I watch Raph run his hands over his face. Wow. He just got back. What if he looses her? What would that do?

***

"I swear girl. You're going to be the death to me."

Lee smiles. "Sorry Leo."

He softens his face into a smile. "It's okay hon. No more sitting out in the rain though. Got it?"

She nods. "Got it."

"Good." He looks to Raph. "And no more charging into burning buildings and disappearing for days afterwards making your family thing you're dead."

Raph chuckles. "Don't worry Leo. I'm done with that stuff."

He grins. "Good." He looks Raph in the eye. "Love you."

Raph smirks, but answers. "Love you too bro. But don't think I'm always going to answer that."

"Mmhmm," Leo hums, leaning back in his chair. He turns to Mikey and Don. "So which of you are next?"

They look to him confused. "For what?" Mike asks.

"You're thoughts when Raph came back," Lee answers. "I want to hear everything I missed and just get all sides of this whole… event."

They look at each other. Finally, Don sighs. "I'll go next. But I have to warn you. You're going to get a lot of detail. That's how I think."

Lee smiles. "Don't worry Donnie. I like listening to you talk. You have a very soft voice." After Raph snorts, she looks up to him. "And you have a very soothing voice," she murmurs.

Raph looks down at her, raising an eyebrow. He's gonna have to get the answer to that one later.

Don sits back in his chair. "Alright. Where should I start?"

"When Leo calls your name," Lee says.

He nods, then begins.


	13. Chapter 12

**Ch. 12**

**Donnie's POV**

"Donnie!"

Great. What now? What's happening now? Are we doomed to have bad things happen to us? Leo hasn't sounded that scared in a long time. What's happened? Do I really want to know? I sigh. Yeah. I do. So I get up and run to the railing.

My mind just starts running. Holyf******s***thiscan'tbehappening. What I see makes me wish I hadn't come out to check. What I see stops my blood cold. My heart almost stops beating. I can't breath. My lungs contract. I suddenly feel like walls are squeezing me from all sides. How is he here?

I grab the railing before I collapse, letting my head fall between my arms as I lean over in an attempt to keep myself from passing out. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod. I squeeze my eyes shut to block the memories of that fiery night. I don't want to remember. I want to pretend I don't see him. I don't want to see him.

I don't want to believe it. Because he's been dead for eight days. Nine today. I don't want to just suddenly be told he's alive. I don't want to have him walk up to me like nothing happened. Because in my mind, he's dead. In my mind, I'll never be able to talk to him again. Never be able to touch him again. Hug him. Because he's dead.

How could he be alive anyway? The building collapsed. It burned to the ground. It would have burned him with it. He couldn't have survived that. He can't be alive. He can't be real. Because the real Raph is dead. The real Raph is who I will never be able to see again. He isn't the real Raph. He can't be. The real Raph is dead.

"Donnie! Focus! Lee's sick. Feels like a fever. Help us!"

Lee's sick? Lee. There is no Raph. There is only Lee. I compose myself enough to go down the stairs without letting myself just black out and collapse. I pretend Raph isn't there. He isn't standing there with Lee. It's not him.

I take her from him, being careful not to let our skin touch. I don't want to have any 'proof' that he's alive presented to me right now. I can't take it right now. So right now, he's still dead to me. He's not here right now. Only Lee. Only Lee is important. So I worry about her. I take her to her room.

I lay her down on her bed. I cover her up and put my hand to her forehead. She feels hot. Very hot. This is not good. I put a thermometer in her mouth. I turn around when I hear footsteps, praying that it's just Leo. It's not. Raph is there too. I see him shiver as Mike runs in.

Even though I don't want to believe this yet, I can't have him getting sick too. "Leo, wrap him up. Mikey, get more blankets. She feels like she has a fever." Mike nods hesitantly and runs out of the room. I think he's shaking. I don't turn around again.

I hear Leo put a blanket around Raph as I wait for Mike to come back. When he does, I take the blankets from him and put a few over her. I take out the thermometer as Leo walks up to us. I sigh. "Her temperature is at 103 and rising."

"That's bad isn't it?" Panic is under the surface of his voice.

I look to him, remembering he's there. I nod and put back the thermometer before turning back to him. Now that Lee's okay, I have a chance to put together my mind. To process what I'm seeing. I just look at him as he looks back at me. And I read in his eyes the understanding he always had for my emotions.

I see the worry in his eyes. Worry that I won't accept him. I see the love. He missed me. He loves me. I see the happiness. That he finally gets to see us again. And I can't help but feel it all as if it's being transferred into me by brainwaves as weird as that sounds. Of course, we've had weirder.

As I look into his warm, golden eyes, I feel something click. He's alive. My Raphie's alive. He's back. He's here. Sitting right in front of me. And all I'm doing is standing here, looking at him as if he's a ghost.

He seems to know what just happened in my brain. He opens his arms. "Come'ere Donnie."

That's when I let go. I run to him. I'm crying before I even know I am. I burry my face in Raph's neck as I cry. Raph wraps his arms around me tightly and keeps telling me it's okay over and over again. He's back. My big brother's back.

When I finally get a hold of myself, I pull back. "You okay?"

Raph smiles. "Never better Donnie boy."

It was a simple sentence, but the use of the nickname we rarely use anymore only solidifies the belief I know have that he's alive. That he's here. And he's not dead. My brother isn't dead. I have never been happier.

***

Lee smiles softly at him. "I'm glad you got your comforter back Donnie."

He chuckles. "Me too hon. Me too."

Raph grins. "And I'm not goin' anywhere anytime soon."

"Good," everyone choruses at once.

Lee turns to Mike. "What about you Mikey? How was that for you?"

He grins, shaking his head. "I was a wreck."

***  
Mikey's POV

"Donnie!"

I clench my teeth. Not again. Not something else going wrong. Not someone else. I won't be able to take that. Not after Raphie. Not after Lee. No. I don't want to go out there. I won't go out there. I don't want to know. I don't move. Because I don't want to know.

"Donnie! Focus! Lee's sick. Feels like a fever. Help us!"

Lee has a fever? That's not too bad. I hope. And… Leo said _us_. Who's with him? I stand up and head to the closed door of my room. I freeze before touching the handle. Do I really want to know? Do I want to know what's going on out there? I can't take it if something else happened. But if Lee's sick… maybe I can help somehow.

So I open the door. I run down to Lee's room. And freeze when I step through the door. I feel like the ground has just been pulled out from under me. Like I'm freefalling. I almost pass out. Because I could swear I see _him_.

"Leo, wrap him up. Mikey, get more blankets. She feels like she has a fever."

I look to the bed to see Lee on it, not moving. Shell. I nod and run out of the room. I use this time to situate my thoughts. Raph? That couldn't have been Raph. Raph is dead. Freaking _dead_. Never coming back. He was stuck in the building. Couldn't get out. Was burned with it. That's not Raph. It can't be Raph.

I grab blankets and run back to the room, straight to Don, not looking at the person in the chair by the wall. Leo walks up to me as Don reads her temperature.

He sighs. "Her temperature is at 103 and rising."

"That's bad isn't it?"

Why couldn't he have been quiet? Why did he have to talk? I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to see him. Because he's supposed to be dead. He shouldn't be sitting here. I shouldn't be able to see him. But I can. And once I look, I can't turn away. I watch him look at Donnie.

He opens his arms. "Come'ere Donnie."

One second he's by the bed, the next he's in Raph's arms crying his eyes out. He buries his face in Raph's neck and cries as Raph wraps his arms around him, telling him it's okay over and over again. I have never seen Raph so open.

When Don finally gets a hold of himself, he pulls back. "You okay?"

Raph smiles. "Never better Donnie boy." He uses Donnie's old nickname. Then he looks to me. He opens his arms again. "How 'bout you Mikey."

I don't move. My vision becomes blurry as my eyes fill with tears and I shake my head. Raph stands up and walks towards me. I back up as he comes forward. "You're… dead." I can barely talk around the lump in my throat. But it's repeating over and over again in my head. He'sdeadhe'sdeadhe'sdeadhe'sfreakingdeaddiedinafireburnedtothegroundfreakingdead, over and over again.

He stops in front of me. "No Mikey. I'm not. I'm alive. I got out Mikey."

I just stare at him for a long time, evaluating all that I'm seeing._ He'sdead._ Trying to decide if I should believe it. _He's dead._ And I figure there's only one way to find out. _He's... dead_. I tentatively reach out to touch him. When Raph's arms go around me, I feel something break. _He's not dead._ Suddenly it's all I can do to hold him tight enough. Long enough.

He tucks my head under his chin and holds it to his chest like he always used to do when I was scared. "It's okay Mikey. I'm here now. It's okay."

I'm scared. I don't want to believe this. What if this is a dream? What if it isn't, but he leaves again somehow. I wouldn't be able to take it. I want to know I have my Raphie back. "Don't leave anymore, okay?"

"Okay Mikey. Okay. I ain't goin' anywhere. I ain't goin' anywhere Mikey."

That's all I needed to hear. I stand back, wiping away my tears, nodding an okay. I smile slightly at him when he gives me a soft smile I haven't seen from him in a long time. Suddenly, I hear Leo curse something under his breath.

"Don! It's almost to 105!"

Don curses now too. "Washcloth and cold water. Now!"

Raph and I run out to get what he said. It feels right again. Running next to Raph to help someone. Like it used to be. Wow. Was that only 9 days ago? How is that possible? It felt like years.

"You're really back, right Raphie?"

He grins at me as he throws me a washcloth. "Yes Mikey. I'm back." He puts an arm around my shoulders to send me back to Lee's room and he follows seconds later. We both go in at the same time and hand them to Don.

Eventually there's nothing left to do. Don slides to the floor by the bed and Leo and I lean against the wall on either side of Raph. Don leans his head against the wall from his position on the floor. "All we can do is wait for the fever to break."

No. No, no, no, no, no. I just got my Raphie back. I'm not losing Lee too. We're not going to lose Lee. She's gonna get better. She just has to.

***

"I got better," Lee murmurs.

"Yes," Mike says smiling. "You did."

"I couldn't just leave you guys to fend for yourselves now could I?"

Raph chuckles. "Of course not."

Leo smiles. "Good. Because we need you both."

"You got us Leo."

"Absolutely," Lee agrees. She looks up at Raph. "We ain't goin' anywhere."

"No," he murmurs. "We're not."

"Good," Don says. "Because I don't really like being deserted."

Raph chuckles. "Never."

"Never," Lee repeats.

They all share a comfortable silence.


	14. Chapter 13

**this was the hardest chapter to start. but then it just flowed t an ending. last chapter peoples. **

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**Ch. 13**

"Are you sure that guy didn't hurt you? It looked like he hit you right on."

Lee smiles, stretching her arm out in front of her. "Relax. He barely hit off to the side so that it didn't break. I may have a bruise tomorrow though."

Raph glares. "There's a bruise forming _now_."

She looks down at it. "Oh. Well, it doesn't hurt."

He rolls his eyes.

"So… did you ever break those cameras?" she asks, changing the subject before he can get into how she should be more careful until she's back into the swing of things.

"Yeah. When I brought you home. As soon as I was sure you were gonna be okay. Actually, I was doing it right before you woke up. They were tiny things. Barely noticeable." He puts his arm around Lee as she leans against him.

"Have you figured out how they got there?" she asks.

"Donnie did. Remote control. They had legs. Quite honestly, they looked like tiny black marbles with legs. They were weird."

Lee smiles. "They didn't remind you of spiders?"

"Don't even start," he growls back.

She laughs quietly, looking up at the sky. It's her first night back out here, and they're both sitting on the roof after watching the lightning of a distant storm. The sky overhead is starting to clear as the storm moves farther and farther away, letting the stars become seeable. She looks at them.

"What are you thinking," Raph murmurs suddenly.

She smiles up at him. "How beautiful the stars are. And how much they make the sky shine. I can't imagine a sky without stars."

"They're brighter at the farmhouse."

She nods. "I know. We should go back sometime."

"Sometime," he agrees.

It's quiet for a moment, till Lee gets a thought. "You know, Donnie said it would have been worse if it were _you_ that had escaped and if _I_ was the one in the building."

"Did he?" he answers, not really asking. He's plotting Don's demise.

"He said you wouldn't have made it as long as I did. And I wonder if it had happened that way… if one of us would have been dead now." Her voice trails off on the last words.

He looks down at her. "Is that what your dream was about last night?"

She adverts her eyes. She had had a dream last night. And instead of him being trapped, _she_ was trapped. And she had seen him do many things… so much worse than what she had done. It was not pretty. And it had felt so real. It was the longest dream she had ever had. It seemed to span a five day period. That's all he lasted. Five days.

"Lee," he murmurs. "Look at me."

She does. Slowly raising her gaze to meet his.

His golden eyes find her blue ones. "Is that the dream you had last night?"

She nods, her eyes filling up with tears.

He hugs her. "You should have told me sweetheart. I couldn't understand why you were crying so bad. Was it really that horrible?"

"It felt so real. It seemed to take the regular amount of time. And… I couldn't stand what I saw," she cries into his shoulder.

He frowns. "What you saw?"

"Five days. That's all it was. Five days. And then all I could do was hope my captors killed me. That's all I wanted."

He sits her back, lifting her face to meet his. "Hey. Look at me. I'm still alive." He takes her hand and puts it to his face. "I'm still here." He moves it to his chest. "I'm still breathing. Feel it?"

She nods, wiping away her tears with her other hand.

He puts his forehead right up to hers. "I'm alive Lee. And don't worry. I'm never going to do whatever you saw in your dream. Because I'm never going to lose you again. Okay?"

She nods. But inside, she knows what she saw was exactly what he would have done. And she makes a silent vow to herself, to never let herself be taken from him like that. To never let anything like that happen. Because if it did, she knows it would only be five days till he couldn't stand it anymore.

She knows that the only way she was still alive, was because of his brothers. All like him in a certain way, it took longer for her to feel as if he was really gone. Donnie's eyes, almost exactly like his. Leo's love for her. Reminding her painfully of his, though it could never be as strong. And Mikey's comfort. Reminding her of how Raph holds her, protectively in his arms, when he held her that day. Though Mikey's arms don't feel like his.

That's the only way she had survived longer than Raph's five days. She knows that if Raph hadn't shut out his brothers, he might have lasted longer. But she knows that if she had died, it would have ripped a hole in him. One that his brothers weren't a part of, unlike hers. It slowly ate away at him until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Five days," she whispers. "I can only imagine what you thought when you saw me doing those things. Because I saw so much in only those five days that hurt me so much I couldn't stand it."

He kisses her. "It hurt, yes. But not as bad as if you were dead. As much as I hate to say this and how much it sounds selfish, I would rather that happen than you die."

She nods. "I know. I think the same way for you."

He smiles wryly at her. "What's wrong with us?"

She smiles a little. "What indeed."

He kisses her one more time before pulling her to her feet. "C'mon. I need to go chew Donnie out."

Lee laughs a little, wiping away the rest of her tears. "Leave him alone. It's not his fault."

"All right," he sighs. "But we should go home. It's getting lighter out."

Lee looks to the east. The sky is getting lighter and the stars are disappearing. "Alright. But leave Donnie alone."

"I will," he assures. He puts his arm around her, leading her down into the sewers and all the way to the lair.

They hear someone in the dojo as they go inside and he follows Lee to see who it is. They walk in to see Leo going through his katas. They watch him until he finishes up before interrupting.

"Mind if we join?" Lee asks.

"You up for it?" Leo asks.

Raph rolls his eyes. "She's fine Leo. Did you see her kick that guy's butt today?"

"Yes. But I also saw him get a few 'kicks' to her."

Lee glares. "Dare to let me show you how much I can take care of myself?"

Leo chuckles, getting into a defensive stance. "Please do."

She crouches down as Raph moves off to the side. "Go easy on him sweetheart. He doesn't know all of your moves like I do."

She laughs darkly. "Don't worry. I'll make sure he doesn't get _too_ beat up."

Raph chuckles. Things are better. He's home. She's alive and well again. They're all together again. Life will go on. He watches as she goes against Leo, laughing when she pulls a stunt that takes him down much to his shock. Yeah. She's back to normal.

* * *

**so that's it. i have another story idea, but i don't know if i'll follow through. i'm in the middle of writing another story that's not fanfiction but i might write it just to get it out of my head. and if i write it, i don't know if i'll post it. i don't know yet. i'll figure it out later. **


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